One of These Things Is Not Like the Other...

Never not funny.

Packers Stuff! Wheee!

I'm not old enough to remember Fran Tarkenton, or to know that I should probably hate hit guts. I hated him because he played for the Vikings. However, he has totally redeemed himself to me. He is now my favorite Viking of all time. He really is "despicable".

Donald Driver probably shouldn't be holding out. While it is a little unclear if he really is or not. I think that ProFootballTalk has it exactly right when they say that the longer he holds out, the more likely it is that the Packers will just cut him. It is unfortunate if he is holding out. He is allegedly the second highest paid player on the team, and is probably nowhere near the second best player. He is an asset to the community, seems like a really nice guy (at least on TV), and doesn't do stupid shit (or at least doesn't get caught). And he's been very good for a long time. But at this point, he doesn't have a whole lot of bargaining power. This could cost him a lot of money in the long run. If the Packers traded away Javon Walker and Mike McKenzie in their primes, don't think for a second they wouldn't get rid of Driver.

And Kampan is bitter about having to cover receivers.

Overall, not a real good start to the season. Only 2 1/2 months till the first preseason game!

Home Ownership Sucks

It is 1947 at the Juice household. That is because we are washing dishes by fucking hand now because our less than 3 year old Frigidaire dishwasher stopped working, because everything Frigidaire makes is a piece of shit. Combining what we purchased when we bought the home, with what came with the home NEW, we had six brand new Frigidaire appliances. We've had to replace/fix THREE of them in less than three years (washer, refrigerator and now the dishwasher). If Frigidaire appliances being shitty were a major league baseball player, they would be in the hall of fame. I guess the bottom line is that Frigidaire licks my hairy, sweaty balls, and I will never buy another one. We were not happy having to wash an entire dishwasher full of dirty dishes by hand last night.

BREW CREW HANGOVER

The Crew suddenly can't hit their way out of a paper bag, and suck. Did losing Weeks really matter that much? I believe that it isn't a coincidence that when they sucked in the beginning of the year, Braun and Fielder didn't hit. Then when they got hot, so did the Crew. Now they suck again, and so do the Brewers.

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover

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Kobe

I wasn't going to post anything but I saw this last night, and then again today on SportsCenter and it really fucking bothered me. The whole Kobe Bryant "I am going to pretend to be so exhausted after playing a playoff game that I am going to do an interview hunched over, wincing, and trying to catch my breath" bullshit was ridiculous. Really Kobe? I'm supposed to believe that you just played a game that you've played roughly 10,ooo times in your life, but you are so exhausted from playing well and pretending to limp around that after 5 minutes of rest you can't even stand up straight to talk to a reporter. Slow clap. Oscar. I didn't watch Kobe Doin' Work, but I imagine the whole movie was like this. I don't like him much.

Fake Live Blog II - Brewers v. Twins

Pregame:

• Seriously, Jerry Augustine is a disaster. The bags under his eyes have an easier time trying to get a point across. Harry Sydney thinks Augie sucks.
• J.J. Hardy is out. We've got a dude named Jody starting tonight. No relation to Full House's Jodi Sweeten.
• I'll be periodically checking in on Lakers/Nuggets Game 3 too.
• Who wants to bet that FSN just goes ahead and does a split screen, with the baseball game on one side, and a loop of different angles of LeBron's shot on the other. I wouldn't even be that upset.
• Does anyone actually watch Best Damn Sports Show? I haven't seen it since 2001, when I was drunk and accidentally watched it. Do they have bikini chicks on it every night? I might check it out.
• Went golfing with our friend Mark this afternoon. I dominated the match 58 to 66. We are not good golfers. The golf cart chick was 27, but looked like 19, and was an 8.8. His house is really nice. Lots of room for us assholes to pass out.
• Just flipped to SportsCenter. Guess what they are showing? Why do I care about what NBA players were "Tweeting" after they saw the shot? Just saw it 14 more times.
• Telly Hughes is below average at best.
• Who the fuck is Anthony Swarzak? Shit, it is his MLB debut? We are fucked. 3 hit shutout.
• Cory Koskie has TWO left handed kids. Is there any doubt they will be in the majors?
• Why does Ken Macha always look like he is screaming at someone when he is talking?
• We have a Casey, a Prince, a Mat, and a Jody in our starting lineup.
• Anthony Swarzak looks like Chipper Jones. And he's got a faggy necklace on.

1st inning

• Craig Counsell is the whitest person on earth.
• Remember when like half the stadiums in the league had AstroTurf? Now the Twinkies are like the only one. (I think maybe Toronto does too.)
• The Twins must have pulled Swarzak off the streets. Even the TWINS don't know anything about him.
• First major league walk for Swarzak. McGehee walks on a pitch right down the middle. Good eye.
• Braun is up. I might need a second.
• Loud LET'S GO BREWERS chant. This sounds similar to a Brewer/Cub game.
• Miscommunication for the Twins. Easy fly ball drops for a single. 2 on 1 out.
• Prince's fat face next to the Hormel sign is just funny to me. It might not actually be a sign. It might be a thought bubble. Prince K's. First major league K for Swarzak.
• Cameron grounds out to end the Brewers half.
• It is going to be really hard to talk shit about the commercials, because they only show like 3 of them on Brewer games.
• One, the Miller Lite commercial with the fake mob guys. Fucking stupid.
• Twins have their throwbacks on tonight I think. Throwbacks are awesome.
• Looper always has a creepy grin on his face when he is one the mound.
• Lopper apparently loves to hit. Gives up a rocket to Mauer for a base hit. Maybe he should concentrate on pitching. I love to fuck too, but unfortunately, I don't get to dabble in that at my fucking job.
• Morneau with a single. This might be a short blog (relatively speaking). I have a cut off in my mind about when to stop watching games. If we hit that, I'm out.
• How amazing was that cycle last night? Has one ever been done in 6 innings before? Why don't good players ever get cycles? It is always some asshole like Cuddyer.
• Big double play gets us out of the inning.

2nd inning

• Commercial two we are going to see a million times: Blaine's Farm and Fleet. Matt Kenseth is a Farm and Fleet kind of guy. Whatever.
• I watched FSN Final Score exactly one time. It was brutal.
• Commercial three we will see: Special Olympics. Nope, that was an Explore Minnesota commercial. Whoops.
• I love how the Brewers only started Hall tonight because everyone else was hurt.
• I hate it when Major Leaguers take fastballs right down the middle for called strikes.
• Minnesota people are ugly. There, I said it.
• Wow. Jody Gerut is black? I was expecting a red head for some reason. Of all men named Jody, what percentage is black? .3? Gerut sees exactly one pitch and grounds out. End of Brewers half.
• Commercial: Triple Hops brewed Miller Lite. I heard a
• Commercial: Brush and floss or else.
• Menard's commercial. Baseball fans LOVE hardware stores, Miller Lite and brushing their teeth.
• Brush and floss or else (2)
• Is Minnesota in Canada? I'm pretty sure there is a Canadian flag hanging from the roof, and the only explanation is that it is in Canada. Good. Go to fucking Canada. What has Minnesota done for us anyway? All they do is lie about thier lakes. I'm going to start advertising that I have a 2" dick, like that is super huge or something.
• The Twinks have more players on their team that I've never heard of than any team in the majors.
• Brewers have the best record in baseball since April 22nd. It is too bad that those first twelve games fucking counted.
• Another DP to end the 2nd.

3rd Inning 0-0

• Home Depot commercial. What? Lowe's didn't have any advertising money?
• Midwest Airlines: Mmmmmm. Warm chocolate chip cookies.
• Wear your seatbelt. Or you will die.
• The fact that the Twinks are opening an open air stadium is ridiculous. I'm sure it will be lovely, but when your fans have to wear winter coats, alot of them might not come to game 2 of an 81 game home schedule. Anything is better than the Humpdome.
• Jason Kendall can't hit. At all.
• McGehee hits a shot to Span in the outfield. It bounces twice and knocks him over. Turf is stupid. How has someone not died on a bad hop?
• Brewer's inning is done.
• Matt Kenseth loves to buy licorice and mufflers at Farm and Fleet (2)
• Commercial about people with life threatening herpes. Nope, sorry, it is another Explore Minnesota commercial (2).
• Piggly Wiggly Tailgate Tips. I got fatter just watching the commercial. Take cheese spread. Put a jalapeno in the middle. Roll it in batter. Deep fry it. Jesus christ that sounds good.
• GoGo Gomez is hitting .218 with 0 HR and 2 RBIs in late May. How is that Santana trade working out? Looper promptly walks him on 4 pitches.
• I still haven't seen an NHL playoff game this year because I don't have Versus. How are all the games on that channel?
• 7 straight balls for Looper. Oh, and this guy is batting .212. And I've never heard of him.
• Fuck. Mauer hits one where the SS should be. But there wasn't one for some reason (shift?). Then Braun throws one to 3B except Counsell and Hall look at eachother while it bounces in between them and into the dugout. 2 runs score. Mauer gets third. 2-0 Twinks.
• Sac fly for Morneau. 3-0 Twinks. Looper looks like shit tonight too.

4th Inning 3-0 Twinks.

• If I buy some shitty entree from Applebees, I get a free Brewer ticket to a Wednesday afternoon game that I won't be able to go to.
• Menard's (2)
• Bill Schroeder was neither watching TV or reading the paper today. That can only mean he was looking at midget porn all day.
• Mat Gamel's hair is distracting.
• The radar gun just showed 104mph from Swarzak. I'm assuming that was wrong. Brewers go down with a whimper.
• While showing Blyleven and Schroeder playing grab ass, Crede hits a homer. 4-0 Twinks. This is getting gay.
• Looper's first K in 10 innings.
• I hate that goddamn AFLAC duck. Twins done.

5th Inning 4-0 Twinks.

• Kenseth is back to buy licorice and mufflers for a third time.
• The Air Tran commercial makes its first appearance. Seems a little late. WiFi on a plane is a much better idea than motherfuckin' snakes.
• Wear your seatbelt or die (2)
• Gerut's line tonight: 3 pitches, 2 outs. I wish we had Jodi Sweeten.
• Fucking Christ. Another popout. Brewers are done.
• Triple Hops brewing. What the fuck is that? Why would that make my beer taste better? 2nd time
• Ray wants me to join Boys and Girls club because he didn't get shot like his friend. Maybe I'll just not move to Milwaukee. That seems like less of a commitment.
• Holy shit, a dude that looks just like Santa Claus in full red Twinks gear in the stands. Fucking Canadians.
• You would never know that Swarzak has never pitched in the majors before, just like you would never know the Brewers were not a high school team. Two way street it seems.
• Great. Stars and stripes hats tomorrow. I'm buying one.
• If getting cancer guarantees me a no-hitter, is it worth it?
• ANOTHER homer. 5-0 Twinks.
• Looper hits the next guy with a pitch, and the benches get warned for no reason. Schroeder is fucking HOT in the booth. He might come down and beat the shit out of the ump.
• Did I mention Looper has been shitty? I would've pulled him if this was a video game. Schroeder is STILL bitching. Cuddyer smokes one for a single. Bullpen? Bueller?
• Mauer in the dugout just does a full palm grab of his crotch. That is what he thinks of Looper's pitching. Me too. Twins done.

6th Inning 5-0 Twins.

• This game sucks.
• Braun almost impales Swarzak with his broken bat. But in his kindness, directs the shrapnel over his head. Single for Braunie.
• Schroeder analysis: "You can't hit a five run homer with one man on." Thanks for that one. But clearly five run homers happen all the time with more than one man on.
• Prince has fouled off 48 straight pitches. He finally singles.
• Mike Cameron is a struck match. Every one of his swings looks like a 450 foot homer.
• Brewers done.
• The mafia Miller Lite dudes again. 2nd time.
• Matt Kenseth still likes Farm and Fleet. 4th time.
• That really, really fucking stupid Dejope casino commercial with the douchebags with the shitty truck. So dumb.
• Anderson analysis: "Looper needs to get these guys out, to get the Brewers back to the dugout." He must be listening, because he can't get anyone else out.
• Triple for Gomez on a ball that would have been an easy play at third on real grass.
• No runs scored.

7th inning 5-0 Twinks.

• Laura Schera is really hot for an outdoorsy chick.
• 25-19 Nugs with 1:31 left in 1st. Kobe looks like someone shit in his cereal.
• Hall makes contact against a righty. Better than normal.
• Fucking Text to the Booth people are retarded. Today's Question: What kind of cleats do you wear on articficial turf? Are people really taking the time to text this shit? I suppose it is more productive than "Fuck!" or "U R Gay".
• Jody finally took a few pitches. And a hit!
• Now remember. You can't hit a five run homer with one guy on base. Oh, its Kendall. He can't hit a one run homer with a guy on base.
• Double Play.
• Joining the marines is really cool I guess.
• Utah is not cool. No matter how cool that commercial made it.
• A lady is pulling bread out of her box.
• R.J. Swindle is in! And his 48 mph curve. One pitch. One out.
• I love me some R.J. Swindle.
• SEVEN fucking shutout innings for Swarzak.
• Swindle puts two on, gives way to Jorge Julio. That pretty much means that Macha has given up.
• Nugs by 8 in the 2nd quarter.
• Julio walks a guy. Then a ball goes to Hall and instead of throwing home, he goes off balance to try to get the guy at first and a run scores. 6-0 Twinks
• Julio finally gets out of it.

8th Inning 6-0 Twinks

• If the Brewers fail to score. I'm dunzo. Oh and brush and floss or else.
• You've gotta be kidding me. Rocket to third, off his glove, caught barehanded by the shortstop to get Braun at first.
• Fielder knocks in Braun. 6-1 Twinks. Show all Brewer fans in the stands talking shit.
• And nothing more. And I'm cashed.

Witness

I've been watching ESPN for about 25 minutes, and I've seen the LeBron shot roughly 600 times. And I hope I see it 600 more. You are going to be seeing that shot 10 times a year for the rest of your life ala Bryce Drew/Jordan v. Cavs. Unreal. Of course I was too busy creating a hangover with FOUR beers in three hours last night at my neighbor's house. Shit in my eye ruined me.

I did try three new New Glarus beers last night: Crack'd Wheat, Stone Soup and Black Wheat. I would rank them as follows: 1) Stone Soup, 2) Black Wheat, 3) Crack'd Wheat. The Crack'd has too much hefewiezen (too lazy to spell) flavor in it, which I can't fucking stand for some reason. Black Wheat is a little on the harsh/dark side for my taste. Stone Soup has a Scottish Ale flavor to it, which is lovely. But seriously, I don't know how I'm hungover.

BREW CREW HANGOVER

Fucking embarrassing. That's all I can say.

Great Big Gobs of Grimey Greasy Gopher Guts...

This was about the coolest thing I saw today (other than SportsBottle's mom's lady parts).

Best Post in the World (Tribute)

Believe it or not, I had the best post in the world written, and fucking Blogger malfunctioned and I lost all of it. And I can't remember what that post said, so this is the Best Post in the World Tribute. The funny thing about it is that the Best Post in the World doesn't actually read anything like this post.

So my back is getting sore again from carrying this blog. We have FIVE fucking writers and we can't get ONE post out of anyone but me? Really? SportsBottle: put down that night stick covered in the blood of innocent minorities and write something, Twinkie: put down that dude's nutsack and write something, Bear: put down that cigarette and write something, LoafCobra: come back from the dead and write something.

BREW CREW HANGOVER:

I think my brother was right in saying that Hoffman was merely bored with perfection, and wanted to pitch under some pressure to make sure he was alive and not a cyborg sent here to destroy the earth.

Big ups to Kendall on that throw to third on the bunt. That was skilled.

I will now bitch about Billy Hall. I'm growing tired of his: "I was really good once, you should let me bat against right handers even though I hit .195 against them for the past two seasons." Ned Yost, errrrr.... Ken Macha is lucky that this "trust" in Hall only potentially cost us one game and not two. Gamel has to play against right handers, and should be given the opportunity against left handers. He allegedly had about the same average in the minors against both. Gamel is the future, Hall is the flash in the pan robber of salary.

Should be a fun weekend series in that cesspool, piece of shit, rotting, festering corspse, cesspool of pus filled, pandemic fostering, cooze known as the Metrodome. The Twinks won 20-1 yesterday, but then I heard that they were like 4 games under .500. Twinks are going to have a harder time withe Crew because we can do that thing called "Pitching". They don't really do much of that in the AL, and I've heard it is an important part of winning games. Also, the Crew can hit the shit out of the ball, and the Twinks are going to be throwing out two left handers, which is a bad idea because "Braun DESTROYS left handed pitching." If you don't get that reference then you haven't watched many Brewer telecasts this year. (P.S. "I'm not sure where that one missed." and "You know J.J. is seeing the ball really well when he drives one to the opposite field. It's just a shame it was right to a guy, or that would've gone for extra bases."). My prediction is Braun hits a rocket through the roof, which then collapses and kills a bunch of useless Loonies. Oh, that thanks go out to Richard/Bear/Twinkie for inviting me out for a game, you fucking pricks.

I will be stealing a literary device on one of these games tonight or Saturday.

OTHER

The NBA conference finals have been bananas. All three games have been epic, and I've been lucky enough to catch the end of all of them. Probably will do the same this weekend.

Finally watched the "Lost" season finale. I'm now dumber. I have no fucking clue what is happening. How are they possibly going to wrap this up????

Getting a Running Start....

I am finally recovered enough from my weekend that I can at least form coherent thoughts. I would be thrilled to recap the weekend for you, however a) I don't remember much, b) I have been asked by certain other parties not to reveal certain weekend themes and c) Some of the shit that was discussed was inappropriate enough that I am uncomfortable putting it down on "paper".

For instance, I think it is safe to say that the theme/quote of the weekend was "Getting a Running Start". However, I am not in a position to explain where that came from because it could cause some embarrassment.

Overall, we had a great time, got SUPER fucked up, ate a whole bunch of shit that is bad for us, and the weekend was pretty much one great big gay joke.

BREW CREW HANGOVER

Holy shit, the Brewers might never lose again. And Rickie Weeks got severely injured a year too late.

If I was the Brewers, here is what I would do: This injury gives them a golden opportunity/excuse to call up Escobar and to give him a look at either short or 2B to see if he really is too good to not use. The same is true with Gamel, who is already up, and whose haircut hit a homer last night. It is a golden opportunity, because there is some excess playing time available, and it can be done with very little hurt feelings. Gamel can get into a platoonish thing with Hall/Counsell/Hardy? at 3B, Escobar with Hardy/Counsell/Hall at SS and Hardy/Counsell/Hall at 2B. You could also think about spot starting Gamel at 1B or outfield if his bat is that good. Right now, you have the opportunity to play both Gamel and Escobar a few times a week under those scenarios, and get them some experience. Then, if they are too good to sit, you can try to trade Hall (fucking impossible), Hardy (unlikely) or Fielder (even more unlikely) for some pitching down the stretch. Or, if they are too young or to bad, you can trade one of the prospects, or send them down for more seasoning. I have a hard time believing weeks was going to hit 50 HRs and hit .275, so I don't feel like we've lost that much in the long run.

HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED

Are we fucking serious right now? Really? Here is the timeline yesterday:

8 a.m.: He is definitely not coming back and this is all total bullshit (via Bus Cook, through Hattiesberg newspaper)

12 p.m.: He is having surgery Tuesday with Dr. James Andrews and is definitely playing this year for the Vikings barring some unforeseen complication. (via St. Paul newspaper)

5 p.m.: He is not having any kind of surgery ever, he is going to try to rehab, and if all works out he is definitely playing for the Vikings this year, and he has never heard of Dr. James Andrews. (via Eddie Werder).

8 p.m.: He eats a small child.

In 12 hours, that is THREE COMPLETELY OPPOSITE STORIES!!!!! How are people not getting fired over this???? We can't believe ANYTHING, ANY news organization says EVER. This is unfuckingbelievable.

-I'm probably going to fake live blog a Brewer/Twin game either Friday or Saturday because I'm fucking bored and lonely.

PS. The Twins suck my nutsack.

Shit In My Eye Preview

Big weekend begins tomorrow. It is my first (non-official holiday) day off of work since last September. And it is the annual rite of spring/summer where UW-L alumni and semi-alumni descend upon the Southern Wisconsin hamlet known as Stoughton, Wisconsin to get drunk as fuck and celebrate the Constitution of our Norwegian ancestors. And all these years I thought we were celebrating their independence. Except that nobody except Schmock is actually Norwegian I think.

The biggest deal this year is a format change from previous years. In prior years we would arrive to Stoughton mid-to late afternoon, start drinking, drink until we passed out (or didn't) and then go golfing at 6 a.m. or so. This year, it was decided that we should start drinking six hours earlier on Friday, and golf at 9 a.m. Friday and boycotting the outing on Saturday. And then get up early Saturday and drink anyway. So I get to leave GB at like 6 am on my day off to drive to Stoughton so I can puke. This makes absolutely no sense for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I at least, am a total fucking pussy, and will absolutely drink myself into a coma by like 3 p.m. on Friday. But it will be fun regardless.

Another change is that instead of sleeping on Schmock's parent's floor next to a dying black lab, I will at least have a couch (I think) to pass out on at Schmock's house. This I think is probably a good change, although his house is not tripping and falling distance from the bars.

Here are some things that I hope are repeated from past years:

-Schmock not sleeping at all until about midnight on Saturday, drinking the entire time, and being an absolute zombie to the point that he can't speak.

-Sports Bottle covertly hooking up with some random townie chick, and not admitting that it actually happened. (Although he is involved right now, so I would assume those chances are slim).

-Schmock's dad being so drunk that he is claiming to see ghosts at 5 a.m., and then going to work driving around a flower delivery van at 6.

-Richard losing something.

-Mark moving.

-Me shitting on a semi-trailer in a strange part of town.

-Me puking.

-Someone flipping a golf cart.

-Richard falling into the river and drowning.

-Worm doing something highly illegal.

-Jason and Brader showing up out of the blue and sleeping in a tent for no logical reason.

-Someone in Schmock's family crying because one of us is a drunken asshole.

-Truman putting in a five finger chew.

-Everyone living through the weekend.

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #16

So my brother and I went to the game last night. I would just like to point out that it was the most insane/embarrassing/frustrating/fantastic game I think I've been to at Miller Park. And I was mostly sober. Here is a short-ish rundown:



Pre-game: We arrive, drink a few beers, and some dude comes up and talked us into buying a t-shirt that he was carrying in a bag. It is well worth it. But I'm not going to give away what it says, because I'm going to unveil it at Shit in my eye this weekend. I'm hoping I don't need to wear a collared shirt at the golf course.



Pre-game in Miller Park: We arrive to our seats. Which are the last two seats, at the end of the row, in the last row, right on the 1st base line, above the foul pole. Perfect. Seats. As long as you enjoy being 7,000 feet above the field. Which I do. To quote my brother, "You aren't allowed to buy tickets anymore." At Game 3 of the NLDS last year, we sat in the top row behind home plate.

We sat, talked shit, drank some beers, and then started to get a queasy feeling. We both realized that we had seen about 100 or so people come up into our section, and less than 5% of people were wearing Brewer gear. What. The. Fuck? I'm not exaggerating at all to say that if there were 200 people in our section, there were 10 Brewer fans. We talked to a FIB next to us who said they were on a bus trip with 150 people. They were all fucked up beyond repair. And they were FIBs which means they had like 2 beers and a wine cooler.


2nd inning: We look to our left to see a huge ball of people rolling down the stairs and swinging fists. There were between 5 and 7 people in this pile. Probably one Brewer fan. And everyone was hitting eachother. There was definitely FIB on FIB crime. About 100 police officers start coming from nowhere and are yanking people out. In all, I'm going to estimate there were 15 ejections at that point. Oh, and our section was cut off from alcohol.

3rd inning: We see a cop with a mohawk semi-carrying this chick out of the stadium. Cub fan. And her FIB boyfriend didn't like it. He soon found out that putting your hand on a City of Milwaukee police officer is a bad idea. Within 2 seconds of that guy putting his hands on Officer Mohawk. There were like officers belaying down from the fucking ceiling and shit. I have no idea where they came from, but that guy was lucky if he didn't end up in the hospital. The guy deserved every bit of police brutality that may or may not have been going on about 100 feet from us. It was awesome. At least 3 or 4 others were also ejected along with this asshat and his drunken FIB whore.

Things generally calmed down after that due to the large police presence in our section afterwards. And the security guard that looked exactly like Ken Macha.

Numerous FIBs were passing out. Acting like they won the World Series when they cut the lead to 3-2. I guess in Illinois being down a run is just as good as leading.

7th inning: Counsell opens a can of ass kick on a Ryan Dempster pitch for his only home run in the next season and a half. Braun follows it up with a fucking bomb. Suddenly the stadium is 1/4 empty (although to be fair, about 4 FIBs from our section left every inning from the first on because they were so shitfaced on their Jack Daniel's paradise punches.) 4 runs later, the stadium is half empty.

On our way out, we saw two chicks soaked in booze in hand cuffs. C-c-c-c-cat fight!

This was just a totally awkward experience. Walking around at a home game, and being relieved and excited to see a Brewer fan. It felt like the game was a road game, and you are happy to run into a fellow fan. It was louder in the stadium when the Cubs did something good. I'm a little pissed about it and I don't really understand it. We sell out games all the time. Why is it that Cubs fans get their grubby little meat beaters on at least half the tickets to every game at Miller Park? Are Brewers fans selling them all on the secondary market? Are FIBs faster on the internets? Are Brewer fans just too casual about when they buy tickets, and Cubs fans are waiting for the clock to strike 12 on the date tickets go on sale? I just don't get it. And as interesting as it made things, it was also pretty unfortunate.

Moral of the story: FIBs are assholes and should die.

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #15

Fuckin A! This picture pretty much says it all. I would also like to point out that Trevor Hoffman is fucking fun to watch when he plays for your team. He is really, really good. Oh, and fuck the Cubs.

Norm MacDonald + Bob Uecker = Hilarity

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #14

I would just like to take a few seconds to express my concern for the mental health of Brad Nelson, reserve outfielder/1B/large mammal. Mr. Nelson is now 0 for 20 in his role as off the bench masher (formerly held by such Brewer greats as: Russell the muscle Branyan, Geoff Jenkins and Wes Helms). If you didn't see it, last night he came up in the bottom of the 9th, with the Crew trailing by one, and Francisco Cordero on the mound. Nelson SMASHED one about three miles high, and 369 feet long....right in front of the 370 sign in right center. Afterwards, it looked like he just found out that someone kidnapped and raped his prized golden retriever. I'm starting to get concerned.

The only solution is for him to get himself one or twelve slumpbusters. They are readily available in both Cincinnati and Milwaukee. And you better hurry, or you are going to be riding the bus in Nashville.

Heading to Miller Park Saturday night for Brewers/Cubs with commenter Stephen Colbert.

ANOTHER He Update

I don't fucking believe him. I hope it is true.

I actually have gotten a lot done today at work. Seriously. There just happened to be alot going on.

Oh, and we are like an hour in and ESPN hasn't reported this yet. Because they DON'T hope it is true. The report is from Yahoo! and Profootballtalk.

He Update

So Brad Childress apparently stood Him up for their candle lit collard green/moonshine dinner overlooking the swamp.

Oh, and Darren Sharper can shut the fuck up. Since when does your traitor ass get to have an opinion? Next to talk will be Ryan Longwell about how much better the Applebee's in Minnesota is than the one in Hattiesburg.

Mannywood Busted!

Wow. Not too many things make my jaw drop anymore, but this did for some reason. At what point do people give up this charade that not everyone is or was doing it? I guess I'm sorry that I don't buy his bullshit excuse either: "Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me," Ramirez said. "Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now." I guess it is better than "I was on a supplement", but still kind of bullshit. I'll believe it when Manny sues the doctor and wins.

But I'm not here to get all frothy about someone being busted for what I assume is steroids (I guess I don't really know that for sure). Why not just let everyone do it, and then I don't have to be disappointed when I find out another one of the best players in my lifetime has been indicted/strongly accused/admitted/suspected of doing something illegal. (Bonds, A-Rod, Manny, Clemens, McGuire, Sosa, Piazza, Giambi, Counsell).

I don't really care that they did it, but it taints them when it happens and it is stupid. All this suspension is going to do is hurt baseball for the future. It is hard enough to get little kids into the game, but when their favorite players are getting slaughtered all over the news, they are going to stop watching all together. Baseball will survive, but how many more young kids are going to play basketball or football or (gasp) soccer instead?

The biggest questions I always have is 1) If you make $25mil, how can you even trust a doctor at this point? I would hire my own private fucking lab to make sure whatever I was taking wasn't going to get me dinged for 8 or 9 mil. and 2) When the fuck are they going to bust Pujols? No way that guy went from a 180lb, 100th round draft pick or whatever to 250 and batting .350 with 40HRs every year, because he was a "late bloomer".

More Stuff

Classic.

My Sincerest Apologies

I know I've said at least five other times that I wasn't going to discuss this anymore, but why fight it? It is something that I have an opinion about that I feel is an insightful one in that I probably spend somewhere between 25 and 98% of every single day thinking about the Green Bay Packers. This issue affects the Green Bay Packers. Also, I feel that the tide of opinion has sufficiently been turned within the two people in this blog audience that this won't turn into a he said he said bitch fest. I truly believe that what may be about to happen would leave any Packer fan to have only one thought. And although I sort of thought that last year too, this year is a whole shitload different. So I am treating this more of a get together to get some things off my chest and to allow anyone else that cares to agree with me. Maybe all this shit that is coming out is untrue, and He will either go away, or sign a one-day deal with Green Bay and retire. Alot of this has to play out yet, so this is an obvious overreaction. But if we are being realistic here, I think we all know where this is going. I am trying to separate this in to semi-coherent sections:

1) He doesn't give a fuck about His legacy with the Green Bay Packers and he is a terrible human being.

This is obvious, and cannot be argued. Scott or Bonita or Deanna or Britney Favre or Bus Cook or whoever the fuck is leaking his shit these days has said that the only reason he wants to come back is to "stick it to the Packers." Which means that unequivocally he is a fucking asshole. And if he thinks that ANYONE in Green Bay would cheer for him if he shows up to Lambeau in a Viking uniform, he is a bigger moron that I've been giving him credit for.

An argument could be made that the Packers didn't handle their shit very well last year, and as a result, many fans were pissed. But the Packers had nothing to do with this possible shitstorm. He is intentionally trying to go to an rival.

2) He is not that good any more.

Two years ago, yeah, he was great. Last year? He threw like 20 INTs. He threw like 50% of his TD passes for the season in one game. He led his team to a losing record.

3) He is quite possibly injured.

4) He will be FORTY.

5) This signing would not make the Viqueens a Super Bowl contender.

I guess part of me should be rooting for this to happen, because it would wreck another year of Adrian Peterson's prime. Not that Treoiouarvarious Jackson is not terrible, or Rosemary Sagenfels is not average at best, but how does this make the Viqueens a title contender for the 12th straight year? Is He really a step up from Gus? Did they improve at all on defense? Other than the 5' 2" pothead they drafted from the WR goldmine that is Florida, did they gain any receivers? I've got some news for Viqueen fan. Even with A-Peter, your offense is NOT much better than the Jets was last year. Jones/Washington was a good backfield, Coles/Cotchery/Keller is better than the Viqueens receiving core. The Jets had at least as good of an offensive line. He is no longer capable of putting a team on his back, which is what the Queens would need him to do, because they have no receivers.

Beyond all that, Brad Childress is quite possibly the worst coach in the NFL, and He will be allowed to ignore A-Peter and wing it up 45 times a game.

Is Minnesota a division contender no matter who is at QB? I think so. But adding that prick and a few more picks to the locker room isn't going to make them that much better.

6) When will the media stop sucking his dick?

He is outright lying to everyone. He unequivocally told Trent Dilfer NO when asked if he was thinking of coming back. And like two hours later, Scott or Bonita or Deanna or the ghost of Irv was leaking a story that he was meeting with Childress. Not only is he fucking the fans that worshipped him for 16 years, but he is fucking the media that is partially responsible for all this shit in the first place. Nobody at ESPN is willing to stand up and say, "You know what? This is a total bitch move on His part, and I'm not going to dignify anything he or that fucking snake Bus Cook says until he is wearing a fucking Viking uniform or not. Because he has done nothing but lie to our faces through text messages for the last five years." Instead, you get all these bullshit excuses about what a competitor he is. Fuck that.

I feel a little better now. I predict today he will hold a press conference from his tractor that he is not coming back, and then he will sign with the Vikings five minutes later, and then tell Chris Mortensen that he is not coming back while attending mini-camp for the Vikings.

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #13

Goddamn Rickie Weeks is making it harder and harder for me to hate him. He still strikes out a shitload, but he has been clutch. And I can all of a sudden trust him in pressure situations. Maybe Melvin wasn't a complete moron for not trading him away.

The Brewers could pick any nine people off the street, slap Brewer unis on them, and find a way to beat the Pirates. It is getting ridiculous at this point.

SATURDAY REVIEW:

I went on this pseudo bus trip thingy on Saturday and thought I would regale you with drunk stories:

- Started drinking at about 1 p.m.

- Arriving at this bar full of drunken strangers could be equated to showing up at Oktoberfest at halftime of the Badger game. Minus a few hundred people. But everyone was ridiculously drunk when we showed up.

- We leave this bar to go to Miller Park and people are puking on the bus.

-More people puke in the parking lot.

-I wish I had my camera along, because I saw a bunch of hilarious things in the next hour:

1) First sight upon entering the parking lot, was a lineup of about twenty guys with their backs to us, pissing into that river that runs through the middle of the parking lot. Just as I was about to join them, the bike cops showed up and disbursed the crowd.

2) The dude that was sitting in front of me on the bus, and was passed out the whole ride, pissed in his pants AT THE FUCKING URINAL. I don't even know how this happens but he started yelling about not being able to get his dick out.

3) 55 year old woman doing a keg stand

- I remember a bottle being passed around by complete strangers and me taking pulls off of it.

- I remember at least some of the game, which I recall was the most boring game ever played.

- At some point, and for some reason, we went into that Friday's in the stadium. I remember it was kind of a cool view.

-After the game, we left the stadium and went immediately to the bus, which promptly left about 80% of the people who came with at the stadium.

-Went to some bar, got even more fucked up.

-We went to some place called Oakland Gyros, and I bought a gyro that was at least the size of my head, and I devoured it, and it was the best thing I had ever eaten up until that point in my life. Actual Greeks worked there. There were a bunch of non-English speaking Greeks there to make sure you didn't steal the cucumber sauce.

- We got to the hotel and I passed out with all of my clothes and my shoes on.

-I woke up and wanted to vomit because all I could taste was that fucking gyro. No amount of teeth brushing could get rid of the taste.

- Alka-Seltzer Wake Up Call saved the day again. It is batting 1000.

- I gained 4 lbs last week.

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #12

The Brewers are on goddamn fire right now. Freaking Jeff Suppan was one bad pitch away from seven shutout innings. Other than Parra, the starting pitching has been pretty stellar. The bullpen has been basically unhittable since Hoffman showed up. Rickie Weeks is going to be the first player to hit .250 but bat .475 with RISP, and drive in 48 game winning RBIs. He is sort of the anti-Fielder right now (almost said Braun but my man-love for him runs too deep.). Speaking of Braun, did anyone see the ad for the win 12 tickets to Ryan Braun's private suite, with an appearance from Ryan Braun? The first thing that came to my mind was that he had the right to fuck anything that entered his "private suite". I probably need some help. Does anybody really have the feeling that this team isn't at least as good as last year?

I will be there on Saturday for my initial sojourn to Miller Park. Going to some tailgate thing with some of my wife's friends. $35 got us a ticket a T-shirt, beer, food, entry into a beer pong tournament and a bus ride from some bar to the game and back. I plan to be blacked out by the fourth inning.

It was a pretty great time for sports right around 9:30 last night. At that time, the Brewers were putting their comeback on in the 7th, and Chicago-Boston was going into OT number 3 in their American professional basketball playoff game. Since there was something going on the DVR, I couldn't utilize picture in picture, so I had to do old school switching back and forth. My finger was getting numb and I'm pretty sure my wife passed out from an epileptic seizure. That was a fucking fantastic basketball game. Very few NBA games do it for me, but that one did. Especially since Boston lost. I fucking hate Boston. It occurred to me as the game was happening how far off the radar the NBA really is in the Juice household. My wife is pretty literate about sports and she expressed surprise that Joakim Noah was playing, because nobody thought it would be good in the NBA. She asked me who was good on Chicago because she thought they sucked. And my response was: Derrick Rose, and umm..John Salmons. I'm not even sure I know who John Salmons is. I've heard of him because I play fantasy basketball and very casually follow the league. But if he walked into my office right now wearing a John Salmons jersey, I wouldn't have any clue who he was. Oh, and before she asked who the good players were, she saw Rose make a good play and said "Jalen Rose? He still plays?" So yeah, we don't watch much NBA. But it was a pretty cool hour last night.