So that was an absolutely dominating performance by the starters on Friday night in Arizona. I can't decide if I'm more pumped about Rodgers having a fucking 151.1 passer rating through three preseason games (8TD, 0INT) or the defense flying all over the place making plays. I know better than to get overly optimistic, or depressed over fake football games. But I would much rather have the team brimming with confidence, than freaking out. I could legitimately see 10 or 11 wins out of this team, barring significant injury. There doesn't appear to be a glaring weakness anywhere. Right now on offense, the weak link might just be Ryan Grant. I was worried about the O-line, but Rodgers hasn't been touched yet. On defense, I'm not sure where the problem lies. We have about 7 LBs that could start just about anywhere in the league, the D-Line appears revitalized with Raji, and the secondary in pretty stellar. The middle of the field seems to be open against us, but the LBs have been getting after the QB, so it hasn't been truly exploited yet (except for a few times by Fitzgerald, who could have exposed the Steel Curtain). The other thing I like is that with the aggressive defense, turnovers are more likely to happen.
I like the Pack over the Bears in week 1. ESPN has been fawning over Cutler's "playmaking ability" because he did a designed roll out and completed a 4 yard pass to a wide open receiver against one of the worst defenses in the league. I guess that was just as good as throwing for 200+yds and 3TDs in a half against the defending conference champions. I also like me getting really, really drunk that night.
COLLEGE FOOTBALL
It starts Thursday already. (So does College Fantasy Football!) That is crazy. Badgers play Saturday night against Northern Illinois. I'll have a preview on Friday. The Badgers will dominate. I'm seeing 7 or 8 wins for Bucky, and a spot in the Donkey Punch Bowl (narrowly missing out on Juice's Dream D-I NCCA Football Get Together Presented by Cockring Emporium). Tebow will likely allow some sick child to walk again despite having both legs amputated.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Quick Food Review and Other Stuff
Went back to Tom, Dick & Harry's last night in G.B. New place near Lambeau.
You may remember that I recently lost about 40 pounds. I probably gained it all after eating the following last night:
-2 Sprecher Special Amber pints
-Appetizer #1: Potato Skins, filled with BBQ Pork, covered in cheese, with a cheese/bacon/beer dipping sauce
-Appetizer #2: A cup of the cheese/bacon/beer dip, with soft pretzel bites
-Main Course: A 1/3 Angus hamburger, with 2 slices of pepper jack cheese, slathered in said cheese/bacon/beer dip, onion strings, all on a fucking pretzel bun (imagine taking the dough to make a soft pretzel, and forming it into a bun)
Absolutely fucking ridiculously good. If I could live on nothing but the pretzels and the dip, I would be fine. Rating 5 out of 5. I will be back on a regular basis.
-I'm obviously giddy about the Pack. I'll probably wait until I'm at work on Monday to give a full review. A-Rodg is insanely good. We have now entered into the conversation regarding NFC contenders.
-We are less than a month from Oktoberfest 2009. And Sports Bottle is still gay for not going.
You may remember that I recently lost about 40 pounds. I probably gained it all after eating the following last night:
-2 Sprecher Special Amber pints
-Appetizer #1: Potato Skins, filled with BBQ Pork, covered in cheese, with a cheese/bacon/beer dipping sauce
-Appetizer #2: A cup of the cheese/bacon/beer dip, with soft pretzel bites
-Main Course: A 1/3 Angus hamburger, with 2 slices of pepper jack cheese, slathered in said cheese/bacon/beer dip, onion strings, all on a fucking pretzel bun (imagine taking the dough to make a soft pretzel, and forming it into a bun)
Absolutely fucking ridiculously good. If I could live on nothing but the pretzels and the dip, I would be fine. Rating 5 out of 5. I will be back on a regular basis.
-I'm obviously giddy about the Pack. I'll probably wait until I'm at work on Monday to give a full review. A-Rodg is insanely good. We have now entered into the conversation regarding NFC contenders.
-We are less than a month from Oktoberfest 2009. And Sports Bottle is still gay for not going.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Memories
11. Bob Nelson
Game: "Tecmo Super Bowl"
In real life: Defensive tackle. Played three NFL seasons. Recorded three sacks. Would have to quadruple that number to qualify as an afterthought. Would have to quintuple that number to be confused with former pro linebacker Bob Lee Nelson, who started in two Super Bowls for the Oakland and Los Angeles Raiders.
In the game: Bane of centers, eater of quarterbacks, destroyer of worlds. A blurry smudge of pixels that keeps offensive coordinators up at night. Better than Richard Dent. For reasons unknown, Nelson's speed rating is better suited to a defensive back; under user control, said speed can be used to slip past the opposing center and guard, untouched, on almost every snap. (As soon as the ball is hiked, press down and the dive button). Twenty-sack games and 200-sack seasons are not out of the realm of possibility.
Overrated archetype: Mr. Inexplicable. Digital athletes who are simply and mysteriously effective, sans rhyme or reason. Nelson is lucky to be in game. Yet in the game, he's a one-man natural disaster. Why ask why? Just try to duck.
Fellow travelers: Petr Klima in "NHLPA 93;" Mike Ridley in "NHL 95;" Brian Bosworth in "All-Pro Football 2K8," a Mike Singletary-like tackling machine. "I hate to pile on the Boz, but he's the very definition of overrated," Ekberg says. "He has no place in anything with the phrase 'All-Pro' in its title."
Expert opinion: Had Nelson been this ferocious in real life, Michael Lewis would be writing a book about the evolution of the center position. "The nose tackle dive play was called the 'Bob Nelson' in my area," says Glen Haag, co-author of the SportsGamerBlog.com. "You would set ground rules before the game began that no one could use the dive play with Nelson. I have no idea why the people at Tecmo loved that man like they did, but he was almost unstoppable."
Game: "Tecmo Super Bowl"
In real life: Defensive tackle. Played three NFL seasons. Recorded three sacks. Would have to quadruple that number to qualify as an afterthought. Would have to quintuple that number to be confused with former pro linebacker Bob Lee Nelson, who started in two Super Bowls for the Oakland and Los Angeles Raiders.
In the game: Bane of centers, eater of quarterbacks, destroyer of worlds. A blurry smudge of pixels that keeps offensive coordinators up at night. Better than Richard Dent. For reasons unknown, Nelson's speed rating is better suited to a defensive back; under user control, said speed can be used to slip past the opposing center and guard, untouched, on almost every snap. (As soon as the ball is hiked, press down and the dive button). Twenty-sack games and 200-sack seasons are not out of the realm of possibility.
Overrated archetype: Mr. Inexplicable. Digital athletes who are simply and mysteriously effective, sans rhyme or reason. Nelson is lucky to be in game. Yet in the game, he's a one-man natural disaster. Why ask why? Just try to duck.
Fellow travelers: Petr Klima in "NHLPA 93;" Mike Ridley in "NHL 95;" Brian Bosworth in "All-Pro Football 2K8," a Mike Singletary-like tackling machine. "I hate to pile on the Boz, but he's the very definition of overrated," Ekberg says. "He has no place in anything with the phrase 'All-Pro' in its title."
Expert opinion: Had Nelson been this ferocious in real life, Michael Lewis would be writing a book about the evolution of the center position. "The nose tackle dive play was called the 'Bob Nelson' in my area," says Glen Haag, co-author of the SportsGamerBlog.com. "You would set ground rules before the game began that no one could use the dive play with Nelson. I have no idea why the people at Tecmo loved that man like they did, but he was almost unstoppable."
Anyone remember the party we had at Hutch Apartments when we placed bets on CPU v. CPU Tecmo Super Bowl games? Anyone remember Packers v. Broncos? Anyone remember Bob Fucking Nelson having like 15 sacks??? I'm not sure there has ever been a more perfect passage from an article (the rest of the article is spot on too), that corresponded to something in real life. In closing, I wish I was 21 again.
Not Even a Good Ripping
I actually agree with about 90% of this post (other than Lambeau sucking). Probably makes me a douchebag, but whatever. I love me some Drew Magery, but he couldn't even come up with much to tell me why the Packers suck, and he is a fucking Viqueen fan! He also picked us to win the Super Bowl (which is unlikely to happen). If you have a few hours, check out this whole series, because they are pretty fucking good.
What Old Men Do On the Weekend
That is, what I am planning to do this weekend, now that I don't get to pretend to be 21 again for two weeks.
-Hanging blinds.
-Eating dinner at my parent's house.
-Drinking and watching the Packer game in the back yard with my neighbors
-Going for a run.
-Possibly going on a date with my wife.
-Playing video games.
-Watching TV.
-Surfing the Internets for funny Hitler videos
-Cleaning.
-Sleeping.
-Going to bed before 3 a.m.
-Yard work.
I would probably be dead/divorced if I got black out drunk for a fifth straight weekend, so it might not be too bad.
-Hanging blinds.
-Eating dinner at my parent's house.
-Drinking and watching the Packer game in the back yard with my neighbors
-Going for a run.
-Possibly going on a date with my wife.
-Playing video games.
-Watching TV.
-Surfing the Internets for funny Hitler videos
-Cleaning.
-Sleeping.
-Going to bed before 3 a.m.
-Yard work.
I would probably be dead/divorced if I got black out drunk for a fifth straight weekend, so it might not be too bad.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Hitler is Funny!
Takes a wrong turn around the 3:30 minute mark. There are two other funny ones using the same scene.
(ED. NOTE: I am supposed to give credit to Richard for forwarding a YouTube video that he didn't create. Not sure how that works. I guess I wasn't out on YouTube searching for Hitler videos. So congratulations.)
Spare bedroom, anyone?
Due to some complete horseshit, it's possible that within the next 6-12 months I may be out of a job. It's amazing how complete dipshits can rise to levels of power within any given city. If you're a complete dipshit, and you know many other complete dipshits, you can win an election. Anyways, any details will reveal exactly where I live and what I do, so I won't go into it anymore. But for those who know where I work, you can look online at my local newspaper and read about what's going down here.
I bought Madden 10 yesterday. My Madden experience is always a bit different that Juice's. I tend to only play 2-3 games per year. The first game was a little rusty but I pulled through late with a 28-17 victory with my newly created team, who may or may not have Tar Heel colored jerseys.
I don't have the same feeling about buying video games as Juice does. I drive up to the video game place in my black 2007 Ford Mustang GT convertible and stroll into the store, buy my game and leave. If I was the dude inside (who I hope realizes he's the one actually working at a video game store) I would be thinking, "That dude must be able to buy any game he wants whenever he wants to." Or he's thinking, "That fag must've borrowed his dad's car." Either way, at least I'm not working there. Or, as the picture at the top suggests, maybe I'll be working there before too long.
I think I'd be in the running for the biggest NFL fan who cares the least about the NFL preseason. I can't stand it. I can't even root for anyone. It simply doesn't really matter. BUT, I will admit I'm popping a little chub watching the Packers first team offense.
Brewer game on right now. Dave Bush is back. Very good 5 2/3 innings. Brewers up 4-1 with 2 outs and no one on. Now it's 6-4 in the 5th. 6 runs with 2 outs. Shit.
Am I imagining this, or is Jody Gerut starting 2 games in a row? He is so fucking worthless.
I'm gonna be about right on when it came to my preseason Brewers prediction. I figured they'd be under .500 but not by much. I listen to the Brewer post game show and hear the callers who are so pissed they won't make the playoffs. FIRE KEN MACHA they scream!!! I don't think Macha is a very good manager, but the Brewers are not a playoff team. They never would've made it last year without CC. The pitching staff is BRUTAL. I mean just awful, with the exception of Yo, Hoff and Coffey. You can't win with 4 shitty starters. We have speed on this team, why don't we ever run? Is it because if we start to run Prince will think he should run too?
Just renewed my SI subscription. 17 years and running.
Today In Fake Sports News
The White Broncos roster:
Bernard Berrian
Pierre Thomas
Shaun Hill
Jesus Fucking Christ. Someone shit directly in my cereal.
Baseball league with old dudes: Holding a tenuous 5-4 lead thanks to unbelievable pitching, and unbelievably terrible hitting. Chould likely win 4 out of 5 pitching categories without throwing another inning. But I'm going to for the jugular (and $75).
NFL RedZone Channel: Got all excited that Dish Network picked it up. Until I found out that those pricks want to charge me $5.99 a month for it. Fuck. That. I already pay too fucking much for TV. As an aside, I watched so many episodes of Entourage the other night that I had fucking Entourage-mares. (Similar to the 24-mares and Soprano-mares, I've had in the past). So I probably watch enough TV to make it worth it.
Michael Jordan gets rejected: Totally got busted surfing the Internets by the president of the company yesterday afternoon. Perhaps I am the Michael Jordan, Washington Wizards edition, of pretending to work. The fucking guy just appeared over my shoulder. At least it was ESPN.com and not something illegal.
Bernard Berrian
Pierre Thomas
Shaun Hill
Jesus Fucking Christ. Someone shit directly in my cereal.
Baseball league with old dudes: Holding a tenuous 5-4 lead thanks to unbelievable pitching, and unbelievably terrible hitting. Chould likely win 4 out of 5 pitching categories without throwing another inning. But I'm going to for the jugular (and $75).
NFL RedZone Channel: Got all excited that Dish Network picked it up. Until I found out that those pricks want to charge me $5.99 a month for it. Fuck. That. I already pay too fucking much for TV. As an aside, I watched so many episodes of Entourage the other night that I had fucking Entourage-mares. (Similar to the 24-mares and Soprano-mares, I've had in the past). So I probably watch enough TV to make it worth it.
Michael Jordan gets rejected: Totally got busted surfing the Internets by the president of the company yesterday afternoon. Perhaps I am the Michael Jordan, Washington Wizards edition, of pretending to work. The fucking guy just appeared over my shoulder. At least it was ESPN.com and not something illegal.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
New Award?
I'm pretty sure that Richard became the first owner in OJSFA history to draft a kicker who was suspended by the league four weeks later for use of a banned stimulant. I am personally holding Richard and the "A-Rodg's Grapefruit" staff responsible for their obvious role as well. I don't think it is a coincidence that he was cut a mere two weeks after the draft, and a mere 9 days before his suspension. League officials are continuing their investigation, and may lay down sanctions on the franchise.
Problem with creating a new award for "First Kicker Suspended for use of a Banned Stimulant" is that it isn't likely to happen again. So maybe it can be a special award, like a lifetime achievement award or the courage award, that is always given out at those other bullshit awards shows.
In other news, BET has agreed to televise the 4th annual OJSFA Awards Banquet, hosted by Scorpio Babers, in the coveted 4 a.m. timeslot on a cold night in January. Unfortunately, we are spending all of the profits on white table linens, gift bags and appearance fees for presenters, so there will be none to share with the rest of you assholes. Al Cowlings, Leslie Nielsen and that dude that played Cochroach on "The Cosby Show" have also committed as presenters. The Jackson 4 have signed on as musical guest.
Problem with creating a new award for "First Kicker Suspended for use of a Banned Stimulant" is that it isn't likely to happen again. So maybe it can be a special award, like a lifetime achievement award or the courage award, that is always given out at those other bullshit awards shows.
In other news, BET has agreed to televise the 4th annual OJSFA Awards Banquet, hosted by Scorpio Babers, in the coveted 4 a.m. timeslot on a cold night in January. Unfortunately, we are spending all of the profits on white table linens, gift bags and appearance fees for presenters, so there will be none to share with the rest of you assholes. Al Cowlings, Leslie Nielsen and that dude that played Cochroach on "The Cosby Show" have also committed as presenters. The Jackson 4 have signed on as musical guest.
Isiah Thomas!
So according to this article from ESPN, Isiah Thomas's first act as head coach of FIU is to act like a little bitch. Really Isiah? You're perfectly willing to take on Ohio State and even come out with in the media and say the following, "'Big Ten country, if at some point and time you're going to be able to compete with the big boys, you might as well jump right into the fire and get started.'"
So how is you playing UNC any different than playing Ohio State? There is something else going on here, I have no idea what it is though. Maybe recruiting from one of the two states is coming into play? Maybe Isiah Thomas is just batshit crazy? Either way you're gonna get shit stomped, take your whooping like a man and move on.
So how is you playing UNC any different than playing Ohio State? There is something else going on here, I have no idea what it is though. Maybe recruiting from one of the two states is coming into play? Maybe Isiah Thomas is just batshit crazy? Either way you're gonna get shit stomped, take your whooping like a man and move on.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Points of Interest (Or Not)
-Nothing big to write about today, so I'm going straight up list style.
-I sort of watched most of the Brewer game yesterday. Color me not that fucking interested. Other than that one inning, it wasn't real exciting.
-I'm far more interested in whether Tyrell Sutton is going to make the Packers, or if Desmond Bishop is going to beat out A.J. Hawk for starting MLB. Is that so wrong?
-I don't have a real good feel for either of the above questions, because I've watched both preseason games through a haze of booze.
-Friday we got invited to sit in the back yard, drink, and watch the Packers v. Cardinals. I've got no desire to ever drink again (hang over day three), but I was going to watch anyway...
-In my fantasy baseball league with the old dudes, I've basically got $75 riding on the matchup this week. 2nd place in regular season gets $75, I'm in second 2 games up, and I'm playing the third place dude.
-Madden '10 update: Packers went 13-3, lost to the Giants at home in the NFC Championship 28-23. I got dominated by their defense, but took the Pack inside the 15 with under a minute left, and proceeded to have TWO dropped TD passes (Ruvell Martin and Jordy Nelson), and two other incompletions. It was a driving snowstorm, and there were piles of snow surrounding the sidelines, which is pretty cool. I pulled a Ted Thompson and drafted a WR in round 1, even though I had one of the best receiving corps in the league. Traded away Poppinga and Harrell for cap space (because I used the space up re-signing Kampman and Jennings. Which is why they have so much space now, because Thompson isn't a fucking idiot.) To start season two, Raji (pro-bowler as a rookie) tore his pectoral and is out for the year. And I open against the Giants.
-Some bitch was riding three inches away from me all the way to work this morning. I wanted to fucking slam on the brakes and kill both of us.
-I now have 3 NFL and 1 college fantasy team. But I only care about the one that has Kevin Walter starting at WR.
-I hope to (Sports Bottle's) god that the NFL forces the Cowboys to spend $2 mil to move that scoreboard. That would be awesome.
-I sort of watched most of the Brewer game yesterday. Color me not that fucking interested. Other than that one inning, it wasn't real exciting.
-I'm far more interested in whether Tyrell Sutton is going to make the Packers, or if Desmond Bishop is going to beat out A.J. Hawk for starting MLB. Is that so wrong?
-I don't have a real good feel for either of the above questions, because I've watched both preseason games through a haze of booze.
-Friday we got invited to sit in the back yard, drink, and watch the Packers v. Cardinals. I've got no desire to ever drink again (hang over day three), but I was going to watch anyway...
-In my fantasy baseball league with the old dudes, I've basically got $75 riding on the matchup this week. 2nd place in regular season gets $75, I'm in second 2 games up, and I'm playing the third place dude.
-Madden '10 update: Packers went 13-3, lost to the Giants at home in the NFC Championship 28-23. I got dominated by their defense, but took the Pack inside the 15 with under a minute left, and proceeded to have TWO dropped TD passes (Ruvell Martin and Jordy Nelson), and two other incompletions. It was a driving snowstorm, and there were piles of snow surrounding the sidelines, which is pretty cool. I pulled a Ted Thompson and drafted a WR in round 1, even though I had one of the best receiving corps in the league. Traded away Poppinga and Harrell for cap space (because I used the space up re-signing Kampman and Jennings. Which is why they have so much space now, because Thompson isn't a fucking idiot.) To start season two, Raji (pro-bowler as a rookie) tore his pectoral and is out for the year. And I open against the Giants.
-Some bitch was riding three inches away from me all the way to work this morning. I wanted to fucking slam on the brakes and kill both of us.
-I now have 3 NFL and 1 college fantasy team. But I only care about the one that has Kevin Walter starting at WR.
-I hope to (Sports Bottle's) god that the NFL forces the Cowboys to spend $2 mil to move that scoreboard. That would be awesome.
Monday, August 24, 2009
/Shakes Head In Disgust
Really? Whatever was happening here, perhaps it went too far. I'm just going to go ahead and assume that she is a Queens fan, because that would make me sleep tonight.
"They Are Watching Us"
I have somehow managed to survive weekend number 4 in the 4 weekend drinking marathon that has become my life in August 2009. Wisconsin Dells was a pretty cool fucking place to get drunk. The drunk bus that took us around free of charge was a fantastic touch as well. I managed to stay within budget somehow, and not get divorced in the process, which is a plus.
The only complaint I had about the weekend was the Nazi golf rangers that stalked us for the first three holes at the course we golfed at on Saturday. Perhaps it was that Richard and I were like 20 minutes late for our tee time. Perhaps it was that even though we were late, and the ranger was staring at us in disgust, we took the time to shove a case of beer into our golf bags right in front of him. Perhaps it is that we clearly sucked at golf. Whatever it was, it was annoying. Soon they went away, and a everyone got drunk. The round culminated in a sudden death playoff with another team after we choked away a one stroke lead on 18 in our best ball tourney. After we both birdied 18 (and ruined a wedding in the process) was lost on some bullshit putt off. Good thing we never paid up on the bet we lost.
So back to this wedding. Some moron (probably a FIB because there were somewhere in the neighborhood of 200,000 of them in the Dells this weekend. Why do they insist on coming to fucking Wisconsin?) decided it was a good idea to have an outdoor, Saturday afternoon wedding at a golf course, a mere 200 feet from the 18th green. As we are coming down the fairway on 18, we could hear vows being exchanged. Then someone (I think Sports Bottle) shafted one very near the crowd assembled at the wedding, and someone else knocked one off the bar and grill that was right past the wedding. We found the ball I would guess about 150 yds past the bride and groom, who were STILL giving their vows. These were seriously the longest vows ever. Then Sports Bottle hits a ridiculous shot from 75 yards out off this hill right next to the wedding, to get withing 5 feet or so of the hole, and leaving the team with a birdie putt. About 10 people screamed when he plunked the shot on the green (still vows happening). Some douche in a tux comes over and yells at me that "There is a wedding going over hear if you didn't notice. Do you mind?" My response should have been, "well there is a fucking golf match going on here, so can you keep that shit down over there? I'm trying to putt." But I didn't because I am a huge vagina. But it really took some fucking nerve to take that ridiculous position.
After golf, we went back to the hotel, ate, got more drunk, watched the Packers dismantle the Bills, and headed out to the bars/Crusin' Chubby's (which gets high marks). I don't honestly remember a whole helluva lot from the bars. Or afterwards. Schmock was forced to wear red suit pants and a leather vest. He insisted on wearing a t-shirt underneath.
All I know is that the room was fucking trashed in the morning, and if someone doesn't get a bill out of this, I would be shocked. I'm going on a limb and saying it was the worst shape I've ever seen a hotel room in. I was huddled next to the cum stained wall (I don't believe any of us came on the wall, but it is a hotel room, so there is dried up semen everywhere) on the floor, on top of my hat, on top of someones backpack, with my shoes on, and someone else's pillow. The bathroom was covered in vomit backsplash and vomit soaked towels. There was probably an inch of shit on the floor from various chips and crackers. Outside, there was a pile of hotel issued blankets, sheets and pillows covered in vomit. Also outside our room: one wet sleeping bag (which may have been wet with vomit or urine), about three tipped over coolers, a whole bunch of empty cans and bottles and shot glasses. Oh, and there was a hookers' severed leg shoved behind the TV (I couldn't find the rest of her).
The ride home yesterday sucked. And just because you had a bachelor party, doesn't mean you have to get married.
The only complaint I had about the weekend was the Nazi golf rangers that stalked us for the first three holes at the course we golfed at on Saturday. Perhaps it was that Richard and I were like 20 minutes late for our tee time. Perhaps it was that even though we were late, and the ranger was staring at us in disgust, we took the time to shove a case of beer into our golf bags right in front of him. Perhaps it is that we clearly sucked at golf. Whatever it was, it was annoying. Soon they went away, and a everyone got drunk. The round culminated in a sudden death playoff with another team after we choked away a one stroke lead on 18 in our best ball tourney. After we both birdied 18 (and ruined a wedding in the process) was lost on some bullshit putt off. Good thing we never paid up on the bet we lost.
So back to this wedding. Some moron (probably a FIB because there were somewhere in the neighborhood of 200,000 of them in the Dells this weekend. Why do they insist on coming to fucking Wisconsin?) decided it was a good idea to have an outdoor, Saturday afternoon wedding at a golf course, a mere 200 feet from the 18th green. As we are coming down the fairway on 18, we could hear vows being exchanged. Then someone (I think Sports Bottle) shafted one very near the crowd assembled at the wedding, and someone else knocked one off the bar and grill that was right past the wedding. We found the ball I would guess about 150 yds past the bride and groom, who were STILL giving their vows. These were seriously the longest vows ever. Then Sports Bottle hits a ridiculous shot from 75 yards out off this hill right next to the wedding, to get withing 5 feet or so of the hole, and leaving the team with a birdie putt. About 10 people screamed when he plunked the shot on the green (still vows happening). Some douche in a tux comes over and yells at me that "There is a wedding going over hear if you didn't notice. Do you mind?" My response should have been, "well there is a fucking golf match going on here, so can you keep that shit down over there? I'm trying to putt." But I didn't because I am a huge vagina. But it really took some fucking nerve to take that ridiculous position.
After golf, we went back to the hotel, ate, got more drunk, watched the Packers dismantle the Bills, and headed out to the bars/Crusin' Chubby's (which gets high marks). I don't honestly remember a whole helluva lot from the bars. Or afterwards. Schmock was forced to wear red suit pants and a leather vest. He insisted on wearing a t-shirt underneath.
All I know is that the room was fucking trashed in the morning, and if someone doesn't get a bill out of this, I would be shocked. I'm going on a limb and saying it was the worst shape I've ever seen a hotel room in. I was huddled next to the cum stained wall (I don't believe any of us came on the wall, but it is a hotel room, so there is dried up semen everywhere) on the floor, on top of my hat, on top of someones backpack, with my shoes on, and someone else's pillow. The bathroom was covered in vomit backsplash and vomit soaked towels. There was probably an inch of shit on the floor from various chips and crackers. Outside, there was a pile of hotel issued blankets, sheets and pillows covered in vomit. Also outside our room: one wet sleeping bag (which may have been wet with vomit or urine), about three tipped over coolers, a whole bunch of empty cans and bottles and shot glasses. Oh, and there was a hookers' severed leg shoved behind the TV (I couldn't find the rest of her).
The ride home yesterday sucked. And just because you had a bachelor party, doesn't mean you have to get married.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Awesome
Aqib Talib (not to be confused with Talib Kweli) and I could be friends. If he didn't beat up cabbies.
Dells Debut
So tomorrow is going to mark the fourth consecutive Saturday that I get black out drunk. For a man my age, with a real job, and a house, and a wife (thank (Sports Bottle's) god no fucking kids), it is an impressive feat. Very difficult to do, especially since it was probably around 2003 the last time it happened.
Yes friends, this weekend is Schmock's bachelor party. It is taking place in Wisconsin Dells. I have never been drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which makes it one of the few "major" destinations in Wisconsin that I have not been intoxicated in. In fact, it has probably been about 15 years since I've been there at all. And every trip involved just going to a waterpark and going home. It is, after all, the waterpark capital of the world. So I will get drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which is nice. I imagine the party to fall somewhere in between falling asleep cuddling Worm at 8 p.m., and paying prostitutes to do a group golden shower on Schmock. The possibilities are endless.
I really have no idea what to expect, because I have never been there before. Each city in Wisconsin has its own ebbs and flows to drinking. They are hard to describe, and generally if you are good at it, you end up blacked out regardless, but if you have spent significant time drinking in various Wisconsin hamlets, you understand what I mean.
I'm not really sure what my point is other than that I'm getting up at like 5:30 am tomorrow, to drive to a strange town to drink all day.
VEGAS UPDATE
The shit is on bitches. Sports Bottle, Richard, a bunch of strange homosexual men and I are headed to Vegas in late October. I intentionally spent an extra $45 on a plane ticket so I could a) drive an extra 3 hours, b) get zero sleep on Monday morning, c) start drinking at 9 a.m. on a Thursday, and d) join the mile high club with Sports Bottle. Now that the tickets were finally booked, and if you haven't done it in a while, is super motherfucking stressful and time consuming, I can get back to blogging instead of working as opposed to checking plane ticket prices and not working.
PS. Plenty of space available on the gayest Vegas trip ever. And yes, I'm talking to you Twinkie.
BREW CREW HANGOVER
Hey, they didn't lose last night. And the pitching staff didn't give up any home runs. Too bad the mighty Washington Nationals are up next. The funny thing is, as bad as the Crew has been, Braun and Fielder have been carrying my fantasy team. Oh, and I haven't watched a whole game in like 2 weeks, and it has been not stressful.
NEW BLOG
unkownqbdiary.blogspot.com had a pretty good first, and likely last post. I agree with much of it, except that He Who Shall Not Be Named is definitely to blame. And I wish bodily harm on him. Or at least bags of bodily fluids. His "fans" are fucking annoying as shit. (EDITORS NOTE: Did you realize you fucking spelled "UNKNOWN" wrong in the title of your blog? UnKOWN is going to make it difficult to find my man.)
Yes friends, this weekend is Schmock's bachelor party. It is taking place in Wisconsin Dells. I have never been drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which makes it one of the few "major" destinations in Wisconsin that I have not been intoxicated in. In fact, it has probably been about 15 years since I've been there at all. And every trip involved just going to a waterpark and going home. It is, after all, the waterpark capital of the world. So I will get drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which is nice. I imagine the party to fall somewhere in between falling asleep cuddling Worm at 8 p.m., and paying prostitutes to do a group golden shower on Schmock. The possibilities are endless.
I really have no idea what to expect, because I have never been there before. Each city in Wisconsin has its own ebbs and flows to drinking. They are hard to describe, and generally if you are good at it, you end up blacked out regardless, but if you have spent significant time drinking in various Wisconsin hamlets, you understand what I mean.
I'm not really sure what my point is other than that I'm getting up at like 5:30 am tomorrow, to drive to a strange town to drink all day.
VEGAS UPDATE
The shit is on bitches. Sports Bottle, Richard, a bunch of strange homosexual men and I are headed to Vegas in late October. I intentionally spent an extra $45 on a plane ticket so I could a) drive an extra 3 hours, b) get zero sleep on Monday morning, c) start drinking at 9 a.m. on a Thursday, and d) join the mile high club with Sports Bottle. Now that the tickets were finally booked, and if you haven't done it in a while, is super motherfucking stressful and time consuming, I can get back to blogging instead of working as opposed to checking plane ticket prices and not working.
PS. Plenty of space available on the gayest Vegas trip ever. And yes, I'm talking to you Twinkie.
BREW CREW HANGOVER
Hey, they didn't lose last night. And the pitching staff didn't give up any home runs. Too bad the mighty Washington Nationals are up next. The funny thing is, as bad as the Crew has been, Braun and Fielder have been carrying my fantasy team. Oh, and I haven't watched a whole game in like 2 weeks, and it has been not stressful.
NEW BLOG
unkownqbdiary.blogspot.com had a pretty good first, and likely last post. I agree with much of it, except that He Who Shall Not Be Named is definitely to blame. And I wish bodily harm on him. Or at least bags of bodily fluids. His "fans" are fucking annoying as shit. (EDITORS NOTE: Did you realize you fucking spelled "UNKNOWN" wrong in the title of your blog? UnKOWN is going to make it difficult to find my man.)
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Let's Rationalize
Now that my blind fury has passed, and I was able to avoid most of whatever bullshit was coming out of that lying fucks' mouth. I though I would take a deep breath, and discuss the actual ramifications for your 2010 NFC North Division Champion Green Bay Packers.
I realize that a rational argument could also be made for the opposite of this, or that tomorrow he will cry and change his mind again, but I only have the mental capacity for this line of positive thinking.
This signing is going to fuck our friends to the west in the following ways:
1) Chilly isn't smart enough to utilize whatever is left in His tank, and obviously doesn't have the balls to stand up against Him, meaning He is going to do whatever the fuck he wants. Which is throw it all over the fucking place. The strength of the team is A-Peter, and Chilly was too dumb not to give him the ball 400 times last year. Imagine what he'll do now. Does anyone remember the Ray Rhodes era? How about the Mike Sherman era? Remember how well it went when we had a coach that didn't stand up to him? Anyone remember 2005 when Darrell Bevell was his QB Coach and he threw 29 interceptions in a 4-12 season?
2) It is going to take 5 to 10 carries per game away from A-Peter, which is fantastic for Queen opponents. This is regardless of what play is called, because you know that there will be a shitload of run to pass audibles.
3) Whatever they may gain in total yardage due to more passing, they will lose in more turnovers, and less third down conversions on a whole. The rationale: A-Peter is a virtual guarantee to get you 3 to 5 yards on every carry. While he does fumble, the chances of a running back fumbling are far less than a QB throwing a pick on third down. Also, the chances of a completion for a first down regardless of yardage is probably around 50 or 60%, which makes the chances of getting nothing 40 to 50%. The chances of a first down run on 3rd and 5 or less are probably a little higher, and the chances of getting nothing are lower. Of course, some of the passes will go to A-Peter, but ask Ryan Grant how many times he was hung out to dry on a last second flip pass, only to turn around and get decleated by a linebacker.
4) They still have zero WRs. Donald Driver, on the downside of his career, would still be the number one in Queenland.
5) The locker room is going to be destroyed.
6) Seriously, Chilly is an idiot.
7) I think you can pencil in He for 20 to 25 TD, and 15 to 20 INT. Traveiouereueos and Sage would've given you 15 to 20 TD and 10 to 15 picks. And an extra 150 touches for A-Peter, arguably the best player in the league.
And if all of the above doesn't come true, well, then I'm going to start filling bags of urine right now, in the hopes of giving one to each and every fan at Lambeau on November 1, to do what they please.
I realize that a rational argument could also be made for the opposite of this, or that tomorrow he will cry and change his mind again, but I only have the mental capacity for this line of positive thinking.
This signing is going to fuck our friends to the west in the following ways:
1) Chilly isn't smart enough to utilize whatever is left in His tank, and obviously doesn't have the balls to stand up against Him, meaning He is going to do whatever the fuck he wants. Which is throw it all over the fucking place. The strength of the team is A-Peter, and Chilly was too dumb not to give him the ball 400 times last year. Imagine what he'll do now. Does anyone remember the Ray Rhodes era? How about the Mike Sherman era? Remember how well it went when we had a coach that didn't stand up to him? Anyone remember 2005 when Darrell Bevell was his QB Coach and he threw 29 interceptions in a 4-12 season?
2) It is going to take 5 to 10 carries per game away from A-Peter, which is fantastic for Queen opponents. This is regardless of what play is called, because you know that there will be a shitload of run to pass audibles.
3) Whatever they may gain in total yardage due to more passing, they will lose in more turnovers, and less third down conversions on a whole. The rationale: A-Peter is a virtual guarantee to get you 3 to 5 yards on every carry. While he does fumble, the chances of a running back fumbling are far less than a QB throwing a pick on third down. Also, the chances of a completion for a first down regardless of yardage is probably around 50 or 60%, which makes the chances of getting nothing 40 to 50%. The chances of a first down run on 3rd and 5 or less are probably a little higher, and the chances of getting nothing are lower. Of course, some of the passes will go to A-Peter, but ask Ryan Grant how many times he was hung out to dry on a last second flip pass, only to turn around and get decleated by a linebacker.
4) They still have zero WRs. Donald Driver, on the downside of his career, would still be the number one in Queenland.
5) The locker room is going to be destroyed.
6) Seriously, Chilly is an idiot.
7) I think you can pencil in He for 20 to 25 TD, and 15 to 20 INT. Traveiouereueos and Sage would've given you 15 to 20 TD and 10 to 15 picks. And an extra 150 touches for A-Peter, arguably the best player in the league.
And if all of the above doesn't come true, well, then I'm going to start filling bags of urine right now, in the hopes of giving one to each and every fan at Lambeau on November 1, to do what they please.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
As If Things Couldn't Get Worse
I have a strict limit of 12 vowels that I will allow in my backup QBs first name. This better not happen.
Satan Lives!
Surprised? Not at all.
Disappointed? Better believe it.
Really, Really Pissed Off? Fuck Yes.
Scared? Nope.
He has officially fucked me for the last time. I don't care if he changes his mind again. Which is pretty fucking likely. His name is not welcome in my home, or this blog ever again. He officially one of the enemies, and will be forever. He erased 16 years with one swipe of the pen. And for what? For 12 million dollars. Good for fucking him. He can buy that new tractor he always wanted. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOUR LIES. And most of all FUCK THE VIQUEENS AND THIER SHITTY FANS.
On the bright side, Harris, Woodson and Collins can start making plans for Hawaii because thier season interception totals were just guaranteed to go up by at least one each.
Disappointed? Better believe it.
Really, Really Pissed Off? Fuck Yes.
Scared? Nope.
He has officially fucked me for the last time. I don't care if he changes his mind again. Which is pretty fucking likely. His name is not welcome in my home, or this blog ever again. He officially one of the enemies, and will be forever. He erased 16 years with one swipe of the pen. And for what? For 12 million dollars. Good for fucking him. He can buy that new tractor he always wanted. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOUR LIES. And most of all FUCK THE VIQUEENS AND THIER SHITTY FANS.
On the bright side, Harris, Woodson and Collins can start making plans for Hawaii because thier season interception totals were just guaranteed to go up by at least one each.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Madden '10 Update
Bored as shit at work. So I figured I would needlessly update you all on Madden '10. It is fucking spectacular. I have found virtually nothing wrong with it. I'll give it a 9 out of 10 only because the Halftime show is ridiculously bad, and while the players look identical to real life with helmets on, they have gargantuan melons/haircuts with the helmets off. And the rosters were outdated the day the game came out because Vick doesn't exist. (I'm too cheap/lazy/don't really care about hooking my PS3 up to the Internets). Oh, and every time a Packer jumps in the stands, he is caught by six black guys, which is unrealistic because there are exactly five black people in Green Bay. But those were my biggest beefs so it is pretty goddamn good.
So far, I'm 9-2 with the Pack. Tied for first in the NFC with the Giants and one win away from a NFC North title. Only roster change I made was signing Greg Ellis (who was a free agent). B.J. Raji is an absolute beast. He is Pro Bowl bound with 6 sacks and an INT through 11 games. Al Harris leads the NFL in picks with 6. Cullen Jenkins and Kampman are also very good on defense. Nothing earth shattering on offense. Jennings and Rodgers are really good. Grant is injury prone and average. Did have a 244 yd, 4TD game with Brandon Jackson when Grant was hurt. But he followed that game up with something like 14 carries for 26 yds the next week. Only two losses were at home to the motherfucking Lions (on a last second pylon leap by Megatron), and a missed 45 yd FG loss at Tampa. I destroyed the Queens (who started the year 0-8) 31-3 and 31-0. And fucked up the Bears 20-0.
So far, I'm 9-2 with the Pack. Tied for first in the NFC with the Giants and one win away from a NFC North title. Only roster change I made was signing Greg Ellis (who was a free agent). B.J. Raji is an absolute beast. He is Pro Bowl bound with 6 sacks and an INT through 11 games. Al Harris leads the NFL in picks with 6. Cullen Jenkins and Kampman are also very good on defense. Nothing earth shattering on offense. Jennings and Rodgers are really good. Grant is injury prone and average. Did have a 244 yd, 4TD game with Brandon Jackson when Grant was hurt. But he followed that game up with something like 14 carries for 26 yds the next week. Only two losses were at home to the motherfucking Lions (on a last second pylon leap by Megatron), and a missed 45 yd FG loss at Tampa. I destroyed the Queens (who started the year 0-8) 31-3 and 31-0. And fucked up the Bears 20-0.
"What's The Point?"
Or, alternate title: "The Gay Urinal". This is a retrospective of the Packers-Browns preseason game on Saturday night, including two pictures.
Richard, Mrs. Juice, Mrs. Juice's friend and I got to the stadium area around 4:30 (gametime 7). Started out the drinking (besides the two beers before we left) with some green water flavored substance that supposedly contained lime vodka, which almost certainly didn't. It was called a "Packer Backer" and it was a mere $5.50, which is a bargain. At least it was fucking hot, so it hydrated me.
Allegedly the country band "Big & Rich" were playing in the parking lot behind Stadium View. I'm unsure a) why anyone would pay for this when you could clearly hear them outside of the fence or b) if Big & Rich is really a big deal if they are playing in the parking lot behind a bar before a Packer preseason game. Have you HEARD some of the shitty bands that play in these tents before games? The only reason I even though to find out who was playing was that they had the gigantic ass stage that was clearly professional-type. We slug down a couple more beers and head towards the stadium, figuring if we blew $60 on these tickets (forced to by the organization through the "lottery" program by making you pay before you know what game you get) we should at least see the starters play.
On the way in, we see this guy:
Now I realize that this picture doesn't say a whole lot, so let me explain. As I said earlier, it was in the 90s and sunny. This kid was standing on a board, shirtless, with a weird wife-beater tan line, dancing to rather loud Michael Jackson music for tips. And he was dancing his fucking ass off, and just drenched in sweat. Did I tip him? Fuck no I didn't tip him. But I stood and laughed. This kid could not have been more than 14. My wife yells at him, where are your parents? He stops dancing, and yells back, "I'm 17! I can drive myself!" And the crowd roared with laughter. The picture above is him packing up his shit at around 10:30. We first saw him dancing at around 6:15. A little while later, we saw an even younger kid, who I presume was this kids brother, selling water out of a cooler, with no parents in sight. Who said professional football games aren't a family atmosphere?The game itself was fun. We got shitfaced. Packers played well (especially the starters). Found out that they now have "bottomless" popcorn tubs at Lambeau. For $6, you get one of those giant movie sized tubs, and you can refill it as often as you want. Which for an NFL stadium that sells beers for $6.50, is a spectacular deal. We ate two of them between the four of us.
There was a group of 4 ladies between probably 65 and 80 years old, drinking heavily. One lady yelled at the beer vendor, "Hurry up! I'm on Medicare over here!" That was pretty awesome.
I learned another valuable lesson that I believe only applies to warm weather and preseason games. If you bring two attractive women to a preseason game with you, they are going to be hit on by a non-stop barrage of douche bags, and it doesn't matter that they are with other guys, are married, or have boyfriends, or if the douche bags are married. In fact, there was a douche bag in front of us who spent the whole second half turned backwards towards us and was hitting on my wife and her friend right in front of us, even though it was clearly stated on more than one occasion that we were married. Which led to Richard and I having this conversation for the first of many times that night "What is the fucking point?" "What exactly are these guys attempting to accomplish?" "Why are they wasting their time?" We were unable to come up with any answers. This conversation may have taken place in the men's room, in which the gayest photo op ever, was sadly missed. We go in, there are about 14 urinals or so. There are guys lined up in basically every other urinal so I am forced to go to the one right next to Richard, because let's face it, if I have to look at another guy's dick, I might as well be used to it. Anyway, as soon as we start pissing every other guy leaves, leaving Richard and I next to each other, with 12 empty urinals to my left, and no gay urinal between us. To make it worse, we were wearing near identical A.J. Hawk jerseys. That would have been the funniest shit ever. Especially if you know how gay Richard is and how bad he wants to nail me.
On the way out, we were jogging behind this fine thang trying to take her picture (which is why it is so blurry). The picture does not do it justice, but enjoy anyway. I suggest getting a Kleenex ready:
If you can't tell, that is a pink A-Rodg jersey, tight plad shorts, black shoes, a yellow pom-pom on her head, underneath a fucking hat. Couldn't make it up. It is just a small sampling of aboug 85% of chicks at Packer games.
So the game finishes up, and we decide to check out another new gigantic bar by the stadium "Tom, Dick & Harry's". Pretty cool place, gigantic concert area, no smoking, and fantastic pizza. Had a few drinks there and went over to Anduzzi's, where more douche bags needlessly hit on my clearly and audibly married wife and her friend who kept saying she had a boyfriend (even though that is questionable at best). Had half the bar chanting friends name to get her to take a shot (which she did). Richard referred to dancing to Michael Jackson to pick up chicks, and said "P.Y.T." instead of "Pretty Young Thing". It was classic.
Found some random (and by random I mean that I'm pretty sure the guy was a rapist looking for his next victim because his "cab" didn't have a meter) cab to drive us home. Everyone but me immediately passed out, and I quite frankly probably saved everyone's life as a result. Had a beer on the patio, Richard screwed wife's friend while she was passed out, and everyone went to bed. The End.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Things Are Getting Out Of Hand
Fantasy Baseball league with the old dudes update: Someone picked up Mike Fucking Burns today. And if you don't think I ripped him a new asshole for it, you are dead wrong. I don't care what fucking format you are playing in, Mike Burns is awful. Unless you get extra points for giving up a home run, or pitching less than 5 innings in a game or having a plus 7 ERA in starts. Streaming is fucking annoying. I'm in second place by the way.
Oh, and after the week I've had, I'm complete toast right now. I can't even consider working.
Oh, and after the week I've had, I'm complete toast right now. I can't even consider working.
Green Bay Just Got Fatter
BF Raji finally signed. $18 mil guaranteed will get you a lot of cheese curds. Too bad I won't get to see him tomorrow night. I bet it was the smell of the brats cooking in advance of tomorrow night's game that got him in. I have no clue why I'm making fun of him, because I believe he will be really good. But until he proves it, he is a shorter, fatter (I haven't looked up this info, so it may be completely false), less injured, more talented version of Justin Harrell.
Happy Maddenoliday!!
After work today, I am returning from a one year College Football hiatus to stop over at the local Best Buy in my suit and tie to pick up Madden '10. I could NOT be more excited. Every five years or so, I do something crazy like last year and buy College Football instead. Inevitably, I regret that decision because Madden is the best game to come out every single year some how. I fully look forward to playing until about midnight tonight while my wife runs around cleaning the house for weekend guests.
I don't know about anyone else, but whenever I buy a video game, I feel embarrassed. A lot like I would feel if I was buying porn or something. I feel the same way buying a fantasy football magazine. I have no clue why. I bet if we took a poll of 28 year old males, well over 50% did at least one of the two. Yet, I always feel like the 19 year old working at Best Buy thinks I'm some kind of asshole that lives in his parent's basement. I don't know why I care. At the end of the day, I could avoid the "embarrassment" by ordering it online or something. But quite frankly, I'm not willing to wait an extra two days to get the game.
Every time I get the game, I sit down and immediately start a franchise with the Packers, and play every game the first season. I'll let you know how it goes. By the way, the "Maddenoliday" ads from a few years back were ingenious.
Anyways, the one downside to this whole experience is that I have a job and I have to wait until 5 to get it (my brother in I actually waited at midnight with the unwashed masses once).
Another big downside is that those assholes at EA decided to be selfish pricks and put the game out the night of the Steelers-Cardinals rematch, when coincidentally, Fitty and Polamalu were on the cover so they could run ads during the whole game. This was the biggest non-coincidence EVER. But what makes it a downside is that for the first time I can ever remember, the game is coming out on a Friday instead of a Tuesday. Leaving me without those three weekdays of non-weekend type interruptions. This all coupled with the fact that EA waited until they found out what Packer preseason ticket I was going to be forced to buy (I am convinced of this) to release the game the day before. Knowing full well that I was going to be forced to get black out drunk the next day, and not have time to play the wonderful game.
Which brings me to this weekend. Richard is going to skip cutting the grass at the house he is obviously renting in Northeast Wisconsin, and heading to GB to watch the future stars of UFL play tomorrow night. Drinks may be had. Only good thing is that it was a Saturday night game, which makes drinking easier to do. Oh, and any time you can go to Lambeau, it is spectacular (even if $60 for a preseason ticket should be illegal). And I get to see Browns third string running back and The White Broncos fifth RB Jerome Harrison! Seriously though, my wife's semi-attractive, perpetually single, kind of bitchy friend is coming along. I remember when I was a kid and we had a dog, and I would push the dog into my brother to piss it off so it would bite my brother. I plan to do the same thing with Richard and wife's friend, except that it is going to involve booze and sex.
VICK
He signed with the Eagles. Let's throw a fucking big ass ESPN party. I'm already over it. Glad I'm not watching the Packer game on TV Saturday, because somehow, it would be preempted by coverage of Philly fans throwing bricks at him.
I don't know about anyone else, but whenever I buy a video game, I feel embarrassed. A lot like I would feel if I was buying porn or something. I feel the same way buying a fantasy football magazine. I have no clue why. I bet if we took a poll of 28 year old males, well over 50% did at least one of the two. Yet, I always feel like the 19 year old working at Best Buy thinks I'm some kind of asshole that lives in his parent's basement. I don't know why I care. At the end of the day, I could avoid the "embarrassment" by ordering it online or something. But quite frankly, I'm not willing to wait an extra two days to get the game.
Every time I get the game, I sit down and immediately start a franchise with the Packers, and play every game the first season. I'll let you know how it goes. By the way, the "Maddenoliday" ads from a few years back were ingenious.
Anyways, the one downside to this whole experience is that I have a job and I have to wait until 5 to get it (my brother in I actually waited at midnight with the unwashed masses once).
Another big downside is that those assholes at EA decided to be selfish pricks and put the game out the night of the Steelers-Cardinals rematch, when coincidentally, Fitty and Polamalu were on the cover so they could run ads during the whole game. This was the biggest non-coincidence EVER. But what makes it a downside is that for the first time I can ever remember, the game is coming out on a Friday instead of a Tuesday. Leaving me without those three weekdays of non-weekend type interruptions. This all coupled with the fact that EA waited until they found out what Packer preseason ticket I was going to be forced to buy (I am convinced of this) to release the game the day before. Knowing full well that I was going to be forced to get black out drunk the next day, and not have time to play the wonderful game.
Which brings me to this weekend. Richard is going to skip cutting the grass at the house he is obviously renting in Northeast Wisconsin, and heading to GB to watch the future stars of UFL play tomorrow night. Drinks may be had. Only good thing is that it was a Saturday night game, which makes drinking easier to do. Oh, and any time you can go to Lambeau, it is spectacular (even if $60 for a preseason ticket should be illegal). And I get to see Browns third string running back and The White Broncos fifth RB Jerome Harrison! Seriously though, my wife's semi-attractive, perpetually single, kind of bitchy friend is coming along. I remember when I was a kid and we had a dog, and I would push the dog into my brother to piss it off so it would bite my brother. I plan to do the same thing with Richard and wife's friend, except that it is going to involve booze and sex.
VICK
He signed with the Eagles. Let's throw a fucking big ass ESPN party. I'm already over it. Glad I'm not watching the Packer game on TV Saturday, because somehow, it would be preempted by coverage of Philly fans throwing bricks at him.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Pity Bill Castro?
Bill Castro was one of the casualties of Doug Melvin's murderin' spree yesterday. He was canned after 18 years on the team. I'm not saying Bill Castro is a good pitching coach. I'm not saying that a pitching coach does or doesn't affect the results that a pitching staff puts up. I'm just saying that he had Jeff Suppan, Braden Looper, Mike Burns, Carlos Villanueva and Seth McClung starting games for him this year. And he was the one that took the bullet instead of any one of these pieces of shit. Oh, and hopefully they weren't comparing this year's results with last year's. Because last year we had Ben Sheets and CC mutherfucking Sabathia. Being a pitching coach (like any coach) and having any success, depends alot on what you have to work with. And the cupboard was pretty bare at starter this year, due to injuries and general shittyness. Firing Bill Castro is like firing a writer for not finishing a book on time, when you took away his laptop and replaced it with a calligraphy pen. Or letting a WR go when he didn't produce like last year, because he lost a fucking leg in the offseason.
But life's a bitch, and I'll get over it.
But life's a bitch, and I'll get over it.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Wow, big Brewers news
Holy cow! So I guess JJ Hardy has been sent down to Nashville and Alcides Escobar has been called up to the big leagues? That is the news according to JSOnline. Is this move indicative of an upcoming trade? There's been a lot of rumors since they put Hardy up on waivers, mostly involving the Red Sox, but he hasn't fully cleared yet, which is basically what it would take for the Sox to get a claim in on him.
At the same time Bill Castro has been fired as pitching coach and replaced the mother fuckin Boz, Chris Bosio. I have fond memories of him and Teddy Higuera tearing shit up late 80's, early 90's style. No idea if he's a good coach or not though, time will tell.
UPDATE: The axe just swung again as Bill Hall is being DFA, which, with no options left, means one of three things, he can be claimed by a team (haha no fucking way), he can accept a minor league assignment(most likely what will happen, I suggest the Timber Rattlers) or he will be outright released if he declines an assignment to the minors. So basically the same thing as two weeks ago, not really news. Also they called up some french guy to replace him. Oh non!
At the same time Bill Castro has been fired as pitching coach and replaced the mother fuckin Boz, Chris Bosio. I have fond memories of him and Teddy Higuera tearing shit up late 80's, early 90's style. No idea if he's a good coach or not though, time will tell.
UPDATE: The axe just swung again as Bill Hall is being DFA, which, with no options left, means one of three things, he can be claimed by a team (haha no fucking way), he can accept a minor league assignment(most likely what will happen, I suggest the Timber Rattlers) or he will be outright released if he declines an assignment to the minors. So basically the same thing as two weeks ago, not really news. Also they called up some french guy to replace him. Oh non!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
"Bottoming Out"
Yeah, it is a few days late, but I have been fucking busy working, being hungover, and making earth shattering trades involving third string fantasy football players, so deal with it.
Without further ado, here is a recap of the 4th annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association Draft/Drinking/Inappropriate Sexual Reference Extravaganza. (Special shout out to the future Mrs. Schmock for letting us destroy your house and for the incredible food)
FRIDAY
It all started off innocently enough. After a long ass, stress filled day at work, I headed to OshVegas to pick up my brother. My brother and I destroyed a few gyros and headed down to Stoughton.
Schmock was busy earning a living as a professional softball player, so we started drinking pitchers of beer and waiting for he and future Mrs. Schmock. A few pitchers, and a few drunken townies (one with super short jorts, and a leg spreading problem) later, our hosts arrived. So we had a few more pitchers and went to their house. A quick stop at the car for the essentials (booze, food, and Alka-Seltzer Wake Up Call) and it was on.
Drank some more. Bear, SportsBottle and Richard showed up. Drank some more. Played some Wii. Drank some more. Began to black out while playing Wii bowling. Took a hot (temperature wise) shot of Goldschlager, nearly vomited, went to bed around 4 a.m., which is the latest I've been awake in a long time.
I'm fairly certain that the phrase "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side" and "Something, Something, Something, Complete" were uttered between one and 10,000 times.
SATURDAY
I somehow slept until like 10:45, which is nearly fucking impossible for me. Typically, no matter how drunk I got, or how late I go to bed, I'm up by like 9 at the absolute latest. I was awoken by rain hitting my leg from the open window about 5 feet away, which means it was raining too hard to golf.
Sat around awhile, got the ball rolling with a screwdriver, got the avalanche started with a strong screwdriver, and decided to switch to beer before I died. Mark showed up and we drafted.
We were in agreement that next time we chose a station to broadcast the event, that we actually require them to bring video cameras, because it would be really fucking funny. However, I'm also quite certain a few of us would be fired from our jobs if anyone actually saw it, so maybe it is for the best.
The draft started out with a bang when Loaf Cobra, in spirit, controversially drafted Steve Smith (since injured) and Reggie Wayne. I say controversial because it left Loaf Cobra with Marshawn Lynch (suspended for three games) and Derrick Ward (not necessarily the starter) as his starting RBs. At least he has Ray Rice (not necessarily the starter) and Leon Washington (almost certainly not the starter) as his backups. Anyone see another 4-10 coming? Bear was almost as bad at drafting for Loaf Cobra as he is at not being a dick. Actually, looking at Loaf Cobras running backs make me feel a hell of a lot better about me having Anthony Gonzalez and Bernard Berrian at WR.
There weren't that many ridiculous picks. I guess if I had to choose, Jerome Harrison in the 11th round seems early. Especially since I will cut him prior to the regular season probably. Also recieving votes: Shaun Hill Round 12, by me, Darrius Heyward-Bey 13th Richard, and Michael Bush 15th by Duper. Anyway, we got drunk, drafted, listened to a story about Twinkie skipping the draft to see Taylor Swift's snatch, and repeated Family Guy lines (possibly the one in the clip above, about 100,000 times). (Ed. note: This was a fucking manifesto and took me two sittings to write. So appreciate its greatness)
After the draft, we headed over to the bar to mix Red Bull and hard alcohol with our beer, repeat Family Guy lines (possibly from the clip above) and everyone except Schmock and I looked at the guttersnipe with the knee high socks that was warming up for her shift at some unknown strip club or flop house. For some reason, I was allowed to "sample" various flavored vodka drinks before I ordered them, even though I didn't ask to sample them. These "samples" were about a shot each. So you can see where this is going. Schmock brought up ordering UFC 101, and within 14 seconds everyone ponied up $5, which is insane because we are all generally drunk and cheap assholes.
We head back, start watching the PPV, which is the first one I've ever seen in its entirety. Pretty good time. I especially enjoyed Anderson Silva making that dude his bitch. Out of nowhere some random people showed up with their two kids under the age of 5. (I apologize for what is coming up, because I'm sure Schmock and future Ms. Schmock knew these people, but I was a .64 at the time, and I may have been properly introduced, but I don't recall it. So I'm assuming for the sake of argument that these were complete strangers off the street looking for free entertainment.)
I have no kids, may never have kids, don't particularly like kids, and am definitely not qualified to give parental advice to anyone, but to plop the kids in front of the TV and 6 completely fucking annihilated/vulgar/perverse strangers, to watch dudes get their faces turned into hamburger at like midnight seems like curious parenting. And I don't know about everyone else, but I have zero filter when I'm drunk, so if I said "fuck" less than 54 times in the hour they were there I would be surprised. Good, clean, family fun. It was just a bizarre situation (no offense).
I hardly remember the title bout because I was blacking out. I do remember the title of this post being brought up out on the patio, and I just thank (Sports Bottle's) Christ that it didn't come out inside the house. I also hope the adult strangers weren't outside, because that would have been awkward. Although I'm not dead, so it probably didn't. I don't remember who brought it up first, but I'm choosing to blame Mark because it sounds like something he would say, and I would think was funny, and repeat a thousand times. And I'm not going to explain it either, because the FBI would be at my office in about five minutes.
Without further ado, here is a recap of the 4th annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association Draft/Drinking/Inappropriate Sexual Reference Extravaganza. (Special shout out to the future Mrs. Schmock for letting us destroy your house and for the incredible food)
FRIDAY
It all started off innocently enough. After a long ass, stress filled day at work, I headed to OshVegas to pick up my brother. My brother and I destroyed a few gyros and headed down to Stoughton.
Schmock was busy earning a living as a professional softball player, so we started drinking pitchers of beer and waiting for he and future Mrs. Schmock. A few pitchers, and a few drunken townies (one with super short jorts, and a leg spreading problem) later, our hosts arrived. So we had a few more pitchers and went to their house. A quick stop at the car for the essentials (booze, food, and Alka-Seltzer Wake Up Call) and it was on.
Drank some more. Bear, SportsBottle and Richard showed up. Drank some more. Played some Wii. Drank some more. Began to black out while playing Wii bowling. Took a hot (temperature wise) shot of Goldschlager, nearly vomited, went to bed around 4 a.m., which is the latest I've been awake in a long time.
I'm fairly certain that the phrase "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side" and "Something, Something, Something, Complete" were uttered between one and 10,000 times.
SATURDAY
I somehow slept until like 10:45, which is nearly fucking impossible for me. Typically, no matter how drunk I got, or how late I go to bed, I'm up by like 9 at the absolute latest. I was awoken by rain hitting my leg from the open window about 5 feet away, which means it was raining too hard to golf.
Sat around awhile, got the ball rolling with a screwdriver, got the avalanche started with a strong screwdriver, and decided to switch to beer before I died. Mark showed up and we drafted.
We were in agreement that next time we chose a station to broadcast the event, that we actually require them to bring video cameras, because it would be really fucking funny. However, I'm also quite certain a few of us would be fired from our jobs if anyone actually saw it, so maybe it is for the best.
The draft started out with a bang when Loaf Cobra, in spirit, controversially drafted Steve Smith (since injured) and Reggie Wayne. I say controversial because it left Loaf Cobra with Marshawn Lynch (suspended for three games) and Derrick Ward (not necessarily the starter) as his starting RBs. At least he has Ray Rice (not necessarily the starter) and Leon Washington (almost certainly not the starter) as his backups. Anyone see another 4-10 coming? Bear was almost as bad at drafting for Loaf Cobra as he is at not being a dick. Actually, looking at Loaf Cobras running backs make me feel a hell of a lot better about me having Anthony Gonzalez and Bernard Berrian at WR.
There weren't that many ridiculous picks. I guess if I had to choose, Jerome Harrison in the 11th round seems early. Especially since I will cut him prior to the regular season probably. Also recieving votes: Shaun Hill Round 12, by me, Darrius Heyward-Bey 13th Richard, and Michael Bush 15th by Duper. Anyway, we got drunk, drafted, listened to a story about Twinkie skipping the draft to see Taylor Swift's snatch, and repeated Family Guy lines (possibly the one in the clip above, about 100,000 times). (Ed. note: This was a fucking manifesto and took me two sittings to write. So appreciate its greatness)
After the draft, we headed over to the bar to mix Red Bull and hard alcohol with our beer, repeat Family Guy lines (possibly from the clip above) and everyone except Schmock and I looked at the guttersnipe with the knee high socks that was warming up for her shift at some unknown strip club or flop house. For some reason, I was allowed to "sample" various flavored vodka drinks before I ordered them, even though I didn't ask to sample them. These "samples" were about a shot each. So you can see where this is going. Schmock brought up ordering UFC 101, and within 14 seconds everyone ponied up $5, which is insane because we are all generally drunk and cheap assholes.
We head back, start watching the PPV, which is the first one I've ever seen in its entirety. Pretty good time. I especially enjoyed Anderson Silva making that dude his bitch. Out of nowhere some random people showed up with their two kids under the age of 5. (I apologize for what is coming up, because I'm sure Schmock and future Ms. Schmock knew these people, but I was a .64 at the time, and I may have been properly introduced, but I don't recall it. So I'm assuming for the sake of argument that these were complete strangers off the street looking for free entertainment.)
I have no kids, may never have kids, don't particularly like kids, and am definitely not qualified to give parental advice to anyone, but to plop the kids in front of the TV and 6 completely fucking annihilated/vulgar/perverse strangers, to watch dudes get their faces turned into hamburger at like midnight seems like curious parenting. And I don't know about everyone else, but I have zero filter when I'm drunk, so if I said "fuck" less than 54 times in the hour they were there I would be surprised. Good, clean, family fun. It was just a bizarre situation (no offense).
I hardly remember the title bout because I was blacking out. I do remember the title of this post being brought up out on the patio, and I just thank (Sports Bottle's) Christ that it didn't come out inside the house. I also hope the adult strangers weren't outside, because that would have been awkward. Although I'm not dead, so it probably didn't. I don't remember who brought it up first, but I'm choosing to blame Mark because it sounds like something he would say, and I would think was funny, and repeat a thousand times. And I'm not going to explain it either, because the FBI would be at my office in about five minutes.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The Packers Should Sign Vick
I'm quite sure that has shown up on 6.3 million blogs and sports-talk radio shows in the last month, but I haven't gotten to it yet. And since our fearless leader gave his classic response to the question yesterday, I guess I will tackle it.
I don't think Michael Vick is a very nice person. Anyone who electrocutes/drowns/tortures dogs earns that title. But he got convicted in a court of law, was sentenced to some time, and he did it. If he is good enough to play football, and someone wants to pay him to do it, he should be allowed. So from the NFL's standpoint, it is horseshit to keep him suspended.
Ignoring that factor, should the Packers sign him? I don't think Michael Vick is that great of a quarterback. He does things that nobody else can do, but he is extremely inaccurate as a passer. However, it is pretty tough to argue with the success he has had on the field. He adds an element that makes him a nightmare for defenses, even if he wouldn't be able to hit the ground if it wasn't for gravity. For the sake of argument, lets just say that he can get back to nearly where he was before he got caught gambling on canine MMA, factoring in that he will naturally be a step slower because he is two years older. Assuming that fact, can anyone honestly tell me that he wouldn't be a better backup QB than Matt Flynn or Brian Brohm? You can't, so don't even try. As a football player, which is what the Packer's play, Vick at game speed would be the best backup in the league, and probably in the top 20 starters.
While he doesn't fit the Packer's scheme at all, he doesn't fit ANY team's scheme. He isn't and never will be a normal QB, and every team runs a scheme for a normal QB. The mere threat of him taking off, negates most of his deficiencies.
It would be a shitstorm combined with a circus to have him here for training camp. But nothing is going to be worse than what happened last year with He Who Shall Not Be Named.
I'm not talking long term here, or to be brought in to compete with A-Rodg, but a year or two could be good for both sides. Vick would be able to show that he can not kill things, would generally stay out of trouble in GB because there isn't shit to do but play football, and could get some snaps here and there. Then he could move on, and by that point hopefully Brohm or Flynn would be ready. Or, if (Sports Bottle's) god forbid, A-Rodg goes down, we have someone with NFL experience to step in, and a bargain price. To me it is idiotic NOT to sign him.
But will they pull the trigger? No fucking way. The Packers haven't signed a controversial player (unless you count Andre Rison) in my life. And if you haven't noticed, Ted Thompson doesn't much like to take gambles, or not draft his own players. So unless we can fool Thompson into thinking that Vick is draft eligible somehow, it won't happen. Thompson's answers were his typical evasive answers, and he was clearly toying with the media. He would answer the same way if someone asked him if we were going to sign Bart Starr or Paul Hornung or a bag of dog shit. I would put the chances at .00045%
I don't think Michael Vick is a very nice person. Anyone who electrocutes/drowns/tortures dogs earns that title. But he got convicted in a court of law, was sentenced to some time, and he did it. If he is good enough to play football, and someone wants to pay him to do it, he should be allowed. So from the NFL's standpoint, it is horseshit to keep him suspended.
Ignoring that factor, should the Packers sign him? I don't think Michael Vick is that great of a quarterback. He does things that nobody else can do, but he is extremely inaccurate as a passer. However, it is pretty tough to argue with the success he has had on the field. He adds an element that makes him a nightmare for defenses, even if he wouldn't be able to hit the ground if it wasn't for gravity. For the sake of argument, lets just say that he can get back to nearly where he was before he got caught gambling on canine MMA, factoring in that he will naturally be a step slower because he is two years older. Assuming that fact, can anyone honestly tell me that he wouldn't be a better backup QB than Matt Flynn or Brian Brohm? You can't, so don't even try. As a football player, which is what the Packer's play, Vick at game speed would be the best backup in the league, and probably in the top 20 starters.
While he doesn't fit the Packer's scheme at all, he doesn't fit ANY team's scheme. He isn't and never will be a normal QB, and every team runs a scheme for a normal QB. The mere threat of him taking off, negates most of his deficiencies.
It would be a shitstorm combined with a circus to have him here for training camp. But nothing is going to be worse than what happened last year with He Who Shall Not Be Named.
I'm not talking long term here, or to be brought in to compete with A-Rodg, but a year or two could be good for both sides. Vick would be able to show that he can not kill things, would generally stay out of trouble in GB because there isn't shit to do but play football, and could get some snaps here and there. Then he could move on, and by that point hopefully Brohm or Flynn would be ready. Or, if (Sports Bottle's) god forbid, A-Rodg goes down, we have someone with NFL experience to step in, and a bargain price. To me it is idiotic NOT to sign him.
But will they pull the trigger? No fucking way. The Packers haven't signed a controversial player (unless you count Andre Rison) in my life. And if you haven't noticed, Ted Thompson doesn't much like to take gambles, or not draft his own players. So unless we can fool Thompson into thinking that Vick is draft eligible somehow, it won't happen. Thompson's answers were his typical evasive answers, and he was clearly toying with the media. He would answer the same way if someone asked him if we were going to sign Bart Starr or Paul Hornung or a bag of dog shit. I would put the chances at .00045%
Who Ya Got?
Prince Fielder v. Guillermo Mota, the entire Los Angeles Dodgers security staff, and possibly a stray hot dog vendor. I gotta say, I'm leaning towards Prince on this one. I would be SHOCKED if someone on the Dodgers didn't get drilled tonight. Say what you want about Prince (and a certain someone on this blog has), I believe he is looked at as a leader in the locker room, and someone is willing to take a fine/suspension for him. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I stayed up until 1 a.m. to see this happen live, but with 2 outs in the ninth inning of a THIRTEEN run game, it sure looked bush league to me.
Also, that loss should count as 2, or perhaps 2.5 losses. You have your "ace" out there, and you lose by THIRTEEN RUNS. I bet there is a statistic out there that says that if you lose by 13 runs, your chances of being in the playoffs are pretty fucking slim. I'm glad it was on at 3 a.m. CST so I wasn't tempted to watch.
Also, that loss should count as 2, or perhaps 2.5 losses. You have your "ace" out there, and you lose by THIRTEEN RUNS. I bet there is a statistic out there that says that if you lose by 13 runs, your chances of being in the playoffs are pretty fucking slim. I'm glad it was on at 3 a.m. CST so I wasn't tempted to watch.
Monday, August 3, 2009
"Just The Tip"
Well, I'm back at work this morning. And I'm just going to go ahead and say that I'm not all that happy to be here. I continue my streak of drinking coffee on a Monday morning after a long weekend of drinking, and regretting it. I sincerely wish I could just take Monday's after long drinking weekends off. But if I did that this month, I would only work like 8 days, which is probably unacceptable to the people that pay me.
ANYWAYS, successful weekend overall. Highlights included:
-Discussing how my friends and I never, ever see each other and not get completely fucking shitfaced. Ever.
-Continuing the streak of needlessly stretching these things out for two nights, and then starting by noon on the second day, just prove that we aren't old yet.
-A surprising number of discussions about kids, landscaping, cleaning and other old person shit, even though only one person has a kid.
-A chip in for par on the third hole by me.
-Open and blatant carrying on of alcoholic beverages to the golf course.
-Mark and I beating "Michael Jackson's Moonwalker", "The Simpsons" and "Double Dragon" on his sweet ass arcade machine.
-Open and obvious drunk driving by a relative of the bachelor, despite the fact that there was plenty of room in the cabs.
-An unattractive waitress muttering the following two things to Sports Bottle: "Surprise, Surprise, right in my eyes." and "Wanna play just the tip later?" Both statements were unwelcome (probably) and completely out of the blue.
-The pregnant bartender at Champion's Sports Bar.
-First trip to the Oval Office "Gentleman's Club"
-(story redacted) at the Oval Office "Gentleman's Club"
-Stiffing the "bathroom attendant" at the Oval Office. I refused to fucking pay to have someone turn on the sink for me. It isn't that difficult. Even though I was retarded drunk.
-A bunch of stuff happening at Cock & Bull which I don't remember.
-The chick fight at that other bar.
-Mark and Richard dancing their fucking asses off.
-Rest of the night was a blur. Remember playing golden tee, but don't know if I finished. Remember eating like two whole pizzas. I allegedly was dragged off of an air mattress onto a cement floor and I didn't even react. Woke up feeling like I was going to die. The End.
PS. Lets do this shit all over again this Friday and Saturday. Anyone? The 4th annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association draft is sometime on Saturday. The dominance shall continue.
ANYWAYS, successful weekend overall. Highlights included:
-Discussing how my friends and I never, ever see each other and not get completely fucking shitfaced. Ever.
-Continuing the streak of needlessly stretching these things out for two nights, and then starting by noon on the second day, just prove that we aren't old yet.
-A surprising number of discussions about kids, landscaping, cleaning and other old person shit, even though only one person has a kid.
-A chip in for par on the third hole by me.
-Open and blatant carrying on of alcoholic beverages to the golf course.
-Mark and I beating "Michael Jackson's Moonwalker", "The Simpsons" and "Double Dragon" on his sweet ass arcade machine.
-Open and obvious drunk driving by a relative of the bachelor, despite the fact that there was plenty of room in the cabs.
-An unattractive waitress muttering the following two things to Sports Bottle: "Surprise, Surprise, right in my eyes." and "Wanna play just the tip later?" Both statements were unwelcome (probably) and completely out of the blue.
-The pregnant bartender at Champion's Sports Bar.
-First trip to the Oval Office "Gentleman's Club"
-(story redacted) at the Oval Office "Gentleman's Club"
-Stiffing the "bathroom attendant" at the Oval Office. I refused to fucking pay to have someone turn on the sink for me. It isn't that difficult. Even though I was retarded drunk.
-A bunch of stuff happening at Cock & Bull which I don't remember.
-The chick fight at that other bar.
-Mark and Richard dancing their fucking asses off.
-Rest of the night was a blur. Remember playing golden tee, but don't know if I finished. Remember eating like two whole pizzas. I allegedly was dragged off of an air mattress onto a cement floor and I didn't even react. Woke up feeling like I was going to die. The End.
PS. Lets do this shit all over again this Friday and Saturday. Anyone? The 4th annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association draft is sometime on Saturday. The dominance shall continue.
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