Saturday, February 27, 2010

Today In Perverted Former Bucks

Alvin Robertson was probably the best player on the Bucks during my youth. I would say Robertson, Dale Ellis, Terry Cummings, Sidney Moncrief and Jack Sikma would be the starting five prior to the "Big Three" era. Alvin Robertson was on NBA Jam. He also likes young girls. And is still on the run in San Antonio. And this is the problem with Milwaukee, it can't get its professional players to stay in the community after retirement.

DVR Sports Etiquette

I'm writing this in honor of Twinkie ruining the U.S. semifinal hockey game with a text at 4:30 yesterday afternoon. I'm not totally blaming him, it is probably partially my fault for checking my phone when a message came through. But, we need to take what is currently a free for all, full of anarchy, and create rules for which we can all follow. And since I watch a tremendous amount of sports on DVR, and Bill Simmons has apparently not created a ruling on this, I feel I am the man to do it. Here are simple rules to make everyone not hate everyone else.

FOR THE PERSON WATCHING LIVE:

1) FIRE A WARNING SHOT: If you are going to send a text, email or call someone, always send a message before you send any info that would give clues on a game: " Are you watching the _______(insert team/league here)?" Do not follow up with something using exclamation points or bitching about said game until you get a yes reply.

2) CONSIDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES: If the game is on at 2 p.m. on a Friday afternoon, and it is a game that the person you are contacting will probably care about, there is a pretty good chance that person has recorded it. Don't assume anything.

3) DON'T BE A DICK: If you have been informed by the other person that he is definitely recording the game, leave them alone until you are given the go ahead.

FOR THE PERSON RECORDING

1) GIVE WARNING: Tell everyone you know who might try to contact you that you are recording it.

2) DON'T CHECK YOUR MESSAGES: If you aren't sure that everyone got the warning, don't check your texts until you are caught up. You don't have the right to be pissed if you could have avoided reading your messages. You probably aren't that important.

3) BE REALISTIC: If you are DVRing the Super Bowl, there better be a live birth, a funeral or a wedding (yours) going on. And don't expect to be kept in the dark for two days. I think a fair rule is 12 hours from the start of the recorded game unless you are out of the country or that death/birth/nuptial is happening. And in that case you better have your phone/Internets completely dark.

Between Twinkie and myself, we violated 4 of those rules yesterday. So I will share some blame.

DVR WARNING!!!

I have set the U.S.-Canada gold medal hockey game to record tomorrow because I'm not 100% positive I will be back from the disease infested drama fest at the fake waterpark. Please follow the above rules. Thank you.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Beatdowns, Hidden Messages and Fake Waterparks

WISCONSIN 78, INDIANA 46

Jesus. I need to start out with that embarrassment of the artist formerly known as IU in Bloomington last night. Indiana is really, really awful. I am SHOCKED that they have won any Big Ten games. They seem far worse to me than Penn St or Iowa. Not only are they not very talented, but they can't shoot, and consistently dribble off of their feet. I will give them credit for not quitting, they are at least a little scrappy, even when down by like 100.

Back in the not so distant past, a win at Indiana did not seem possible. There was a time where Bucky had lost like 40 in a row there or something. Bucky is pretty good this year, but still. That game was almost unfair. I heard on SportsCenter (who is always right) that it was the worst loss at home in NINETY SIX YEARS!!! When you do something to someone worse than it has been done to them in 96 years, you really kicked the shit out of them.

Two other things about last night: 1) The camera followed Tom Crean a little extra long after he got ejected last night, and you could see him shoulder check the locker room door into a wall. And screaming obscenities to himself in the tunnel. He was PISSED. Had it stayed about 10 more seconds, you may have seen him destroy the locker room through the crack in the door. It was pretty great. I still dislike Tom Crean. 2) I think Bo Ryan does too. I feel like he put a little extra hot sauce on this beat down. Is it a carry over from the days of shady backroom recruiting deals made by Crean to steal players from UW while he was at Marquette? Hard to say, but when you leave your starters in until 1:28 left in a 31 point game, I think it is pretty safe to say that Bo was trying to prove a point. That point? Don't fuck with a dude that literally looks like a Badger.

FAKE WATERPARKS

I'm being forced to go to a fake water park with my nieces and nephew (3 and 2 years old I think), and my in-laws. I say it is a fake waterpark because it is in Wisconsin, and it is the middle of winter. I'm envisioning one waterslide in a hotel. It is in a hotel, so I'm halfway there. I really like my in-laws as a general rule, but I dislike hanging out in disease infested hotel waterparks. Especially after working my ass off (surfing the Internets) all week. At least I can stuff my face with snack food and get drunk. Anyone know any good bars in Waupaca? Maybe I will get blacked out and drown some stranger's kid. That would be a tragedy.

BREWERS-CUBS

I got in on a "second chance" to buy Brewers-Cubs tickets yesterday. I got an email at like 8 a.m. that I could log on at 10. I didn't exclude anyone, but I was only allowed to buy 4 tickets, and I couldn't get more than two together. My brother and I are going in September, when the Brewers will be 10 games out of a playoff spot (assuming Soup makes the rotation because of his contract over about six other pitchers that are clearly better than him). I'm calling it the second annual Brother Trip to Miller Park Where One Brother Purchases Nosebleed Tickets In a Section With 98% FIBS and Sips Beer While Watching the Other Brother Try Not To Get Into a Fight for Three Plus Hours. Last year there were approximately 35 ejections in our section. We also saw a chick fight on the way out, and the lights went out at Miller Park.

It is a 6:10 first pitch, which gives FIBS plenty of time to get up at their usual 2 p.m., put in hair gel, pop their collars over the top of their $80 Cubs T-shirts, put on their $400 Yves St Laurent aviators, hop into the BMW SUV's that their parents bought them for high school graduation,
get to the stadium by 5, have two cosmos, and be belligerent fighting guy by 6.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I'll Just Throw This Out There

I believe that Ryan Grant is an average running back. He is frustrating to watch in that he is not at all flashy, and rarely breaks tackles. He is an average receiver. He has average speed. It takes him an average of 10 games to get to his peak. He averages 2.9 yards a carry (not actually). He is the type of back that does nothing to scare another team, yet at the end of the year he has 1,200 yards and 8 TDs. By starting him and giving him 98% of the carries, the Packers are basically saying to the opponents "We are going to run it three times in the first quarter to keep you honest, and if we get up by three TDs we will run. Otherwise, you can expect a heavy dose of A-Rodg. Please plan accordingly." I don't necessarily hate this offense, even though it is predictable. But it would be nice to have some kind of threat or at least a change of pace. The majority of the teams that run effectively do it with more than one back. Brandon Jackson has shown some flashes, but isn't given much opportunity, and hasn't shown he can stay healthy when given 2 carries a game. Ahman Green was arguably more effective than Grant, but again, was not given an opportunity.

I think you know where I am going here. And because every sports talk radio program in the country is bringing it up, I figured I would give you the opinion of a card carrying member (it went through the wash and then was stolen, but still) of Packer Nation. Would the Pack consider signing LDT or Westbrook's corpse? How about Thomas Jones when he gets executed (figuratively) by the Jets later this week?

We need to make a few assumptions in order for this to work. First, lets assume that Ted Thompson knows how to use a phone. Or that at least he has gotten it fixed since he signed Woodson. Second, lets assume that those backs are willing to share time, and willing to do so at a reasonable price for a year or two in order for a shot at a title, and believe that the Packers have a chance to do that (which while not exceedingly likely, is not insane). Third, the backs are healthy enough to play part time (not a guarantee with Westbrook, who should probably retire before his brain completely leaks out of his head).

If all those conditions were met, the Packers definitely have to consider it. What could it hurt? Grant is already probably past his prime. And the Pack will be looking to the future either this year or next for a RB early-ish in the draft. If you aren't giving those backs 20 carries a game, I think they would be nice options to split time with Grant for a year. Windows in the NFL are extremely short, and I think the Pack has an opportunity to go for it in the next year or two. It might fail miserably, but I think it is a chance they should consider.

On the player's side, they need to take a look at Shaun Alexander (both famous in the OJSFA AND for some reason on a bag of Doritos the other day in a Seahawks uniform) and realize that they aren't going to get a huge payday from anyone. Also, off the top of my head, I can't think of a team that needs a running back bad enough to sign them to start.

LDT, Westbrook and Jones, even at 80% are just as good as Grant, and an upgrade over Jackson. If they aren't going to go there for whatever reason (someone could throw money at LDT, although I would be pretty surprised), I think they need to think about a back in the first half of the draft. It isn't their biggest need by any means, but it is a position that generally requires either a strong time share or a dominant star, and the Packers have neither.

Or they could just let A-Rodg throw it 50 times a game and try to break all of His records just to "get revenge" on Him. Either way I guess.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

And It Only Gets Worse...

Quick update - I just bet on a horse race. Yeah, I'm not lying. I found a live stream on CBSSports.com from several different tracks around the country, but you can only watch for 30 minutes. After that you probably need to go to some other website and pay. My first attempt was a photo finish, which I lost at Louisiana Downs. I then moved to Philadelphia Park and quickly lost there too. $3 down. Enough of that (for now).

The Office Toilet

I work in a small office. We have one toilet for the men in the office (four of us). Today I went to take my morning coffee dump, and I find dried piss and shit all over the seat. Is it really that fucking difficult to a) lift up the seat to piss and b) not shit directly on the seat? Have some fucking common courtesy. I shouldn't have to pull the old hover above the seat with my jacket slung over the stall door/public bathroom shitting move, while at work. Fucking frustrating.

The Calendar

A few quickies before I get into the point of the post. That hockey game Sunday was pretty epic. Canada is ALOT better than we (the U.S.A.) are. It seemed like Canada played half the game with 7 guys on the ice. There were long stretches where we were helpless to get the puck out of our own end. Looking at the bracket, the win was gigantic and probably nearly guarantees us a medal. We get a shit team in the quarters. So we only need to win one out of the last two to get a medal. And either Canada or Russia will be out by that point. The Swedes and Fins look pretty fucking tough though. Also, nobody that wasn't a pretty big "normal" sports fan saw the game because it was buried on fucking MSNBC. And PLEASE stop comparing it to the Miracle on Ice. Those were college and high school players playing against pros. These are pros playing against pros. It is not the same.

THE CALENDAR

I'm putting together a drinking calendar. Hoping to mesh this with everyone else's drinking calendars to orchestrate and maximize our fun. Or at least what we remember of it.

FEBRUARY

27th: Being forced to go to an indoor waterpark in fucking Waupaca, WI with the in-laws. I'm going to get retarded.

MARCH

27th: Some selfish bitch scheduled her wedding this weekend in Milwaukee. Which, I might add is also NCAA time. Sports Bottle, would you be interested in some sort of get together that weekend (pretty sure I have the right one). You may also know the person that is getting married. Mrs. Juice was unaware the future spouse existed until we got a save the date.

APRIL

-The post tax day party (in my pants)
-Possible La Crosse trip?
-Possible Brewer trip? (Semi-unlikely)

MAY

14th: Shit in My Eye
22nd: Twins v. Brewers in Minnesota
26-30: San Diego vacation, where I will sneak off to Tijuana in the middle of the night to see a donkey show and get stabbed

JUNE

-Possible Brewer trip?

JULY

-Possible Brewer trip?

AUGUST

-Possible Brewer trip?
-OJSFA Draft
-Possible Packer game?

SEPTEMBER

-Possible Packer game?
-Possible Brewer trip?
-Oktoberfest

OCTOBER

-Possible Packer game?

NOVEMBER

-Thanksgiving
-Possible Packer game?

DECEMBER

-Sports Bottle's God's son's birthday
-Possible Packer game?

That is obviously a very rough draft. Things always come up. Please inform me if I'm missing anything obvious. Right now May is looking like a pretty good month.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Behold!

Ladies and gentlemen, the magic of Rick Peterson's permullet. If you think this isn't going to be a season long theme, you are wrong. If his coaching is half as awesome as his hair, the NL Central is fucked. If I was going to start a new blog today, it would be called Rick Peterson's Permullet. That is all.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Afternoon Bottle

I have mixed feelings about the Tiger Woods "press conference." I tend to agree with Bill Simmons' opinion and I've made no secret about how I feel about public apologies, but for those who don't know, public apologies are complete bullshit. Tiger Woods is NOT sorry. How do I know this? Because he'd probably be boning Juice's wife, or my girlfriend, or Richard by now. Someone who's sorry doesn't call one of his SEVERAL mistresses on Thanksgiving and tell her to erase his name from her cell phone and also inform her Elin is checking his phone. This is not a situation where he's sorry for chucking his dick all over the place. He's sorry he got caught. Plain and simple. Move on, Elin.

I watched a Dateline type show the other night about Tiger's secret life. It had an in-depth interview with one of his skanks, and she really did look like a skank, but I'm not here to judge. She's probably a wonderful person. After seeing this program I got a slightly different view of the situation. Tiger wasn't roaming the countryside fucking everyone he saw. He was actually involved in actual relationships with a lot of these women. They were falling in love with him. These weren't one night stands. And from what I understand he wasn't spending a whole lot of money on these women which leads me to one conclusion. Tiger must have a monster crank.

I don't get to see much of the Olympics but I have seen a large amount of curling, and, curling is awesome. I even bet $5 on the USA and they lost because a dude choked on the last throw, which eventually happened in 4 straight matches making the USA 0-4. Hockey is still great too.

AN INVITE (of sorts)

Richard and I are planning on possibly spending a romantic weekend in La Crosse together on the weekend of March 5th. Would anyone be interested in joining us, Juice and Schmock? Bring wives, I don't care. My significant other is not going at this point due to work issues, but if Mrs Juice and Mrs Schmock would go she might try to get off work. Basically, I've missed the last two Saturday all day drinking days in La Crosse (Oktoberfest and snow volleyball). I would like to make up for it.

Weekend Juice

TIGER WOODS Y'ALL:

-Sincere as it could be given the fact that he was on my TV reading off of a piece of paper like it was a 9th grade speech class or something. It had to be hard to say some of the stuff he did, and he was probably a bit nervous. But it was Colin Ferrell level bad acting. And I don't really give a fuck what you do in your personal life, as long as you suck me into four golf tournaments a year. You don't really owe ME an apology. Although had I bought those PGA Championship tickets at Whistling Straits (still a possibility) just to see you, I would be a little pissed.

COLLEGE BASEBALL?

-I just wanted to toss this in because I found it a little humorous. I became a (very) slight college baseball fan going to school at Creighton. It was mostly due to the fact that the library that I often studied (surfed the Internets) at overlooked CU Sports Complex, or as it is also known, the fluorescent green carpeted area where Creighton plays baseball games. Also, the CU/Nebraska rivalry was pretty tits, and seeing games (including a couple of College World Series) at Roesenblatt Stadium was pretty cool. Anyway, I was reading a Creighton season preview on White and Blue Review yesterday, and I saw that Creighton opens their season this afternoon. A little odd to start this early I guess, but the Crew is showing up in Arizona today, so I guess it isn't that odd. But I read a little further to find out that the Jays are starting the season on a TWENTY SEVEN GAME ROAD TRIP!!!! Creighton is in Omaha, which is probably under a foot of snow right now, making it difficult to play home games. But you have to go pretty fucking far to get to a place warm enough to play baseball in February and March (Texas, Florida, Arizona, etc.). And clearly they NEED to play 50+ games. It is a good thing the NCAA only cares about its "student athletes" or they would be forced to walk to all 27 road games, and play 90 games in 85 days or something. And this is why we can't have a football tournament.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Today In Fantasy Baseball Meltdowns

This might be a little classless, but I figure nobody will find it so I'm going to replicate a post that just appeared on my fantasy baseball message board with the old guys. Mind you, there have been well over 100 posts already and it is still a month before the draft. The entrance fee is $25, which you won't get when you read this shit (you will assume it is a million). This was just too insane not to pass along to the sane. I have been stirring up shit with this guy, but everyone else is backing me, and the guy is PISSED. The message starts out with a copy/paste of the message he is replying to for some reason. Craig is the commissioner, Mark is the guy that is pissed. All sic'd. Enjoy:

Craig's Post 11:25 P.M. Feb. 18 "Not OK Hothead. Not in favor of altering the post season or regular season. I am in favor of Mark the Spin Doctor ceasing to be a wise ass, every time he posts. Would prefer our ever so righteous brother Mark to stop saying "in risk of being called a whiner". (see below as well and in several other posts) The risk is over....whiner. This is the post below that started it all. How are we to respond? But being pissed off that a guy is going to stop paying money when we all have compromised in the past. Regardless of the outcome and how strong your feelings, to not go with the majority is just being a straight up prick. Like Mike said in so may words, you are grandfathered into paying now. And if you are going to be this way, I will not change my stance on principal alone, so what you have is a standoff."

You know what, Craig, I'm a little sick of hypocrites like you spewing personal b.s. like I'm always a "wise ass" when I post and I'm a "prick" for not going with the so-called "majority". Why don't you f-ing take a look at all the f-ing WISE-ASS posts over the years by you and Al, and now the new king wise ass, Juice. And now Osterboy all of a sudden wants to start spewing garbage for some reason - maybe he's been getting too many of your posts in the past or something? Are you serious? What a joke. Posts by guys like you and Al (and now Juice and Oster) are exactly why Jones and Rob left - face the facts!!! You call what you guys post some type of compromise??? You just don't like my posts because I call bullshit and won't back off. You and Al act like you are the only guys in here that know anything about how fantasy baseball should be played, rules and all, and then when someone else pipes in that they don't agree with your logic, you act like they don't have a clue or you just ignore the issue (as you are doing by not addressing the VERY REAL problems with fantasy playoffs late in the season - you know its a problem, but you're a pig-headed commish who won't address it). Well, get over yourselves. And, for the record, here is what started this whole thing, the out of the blue "A VOTE" post by Mr. Commish on 2/16/10 at 10:51 a.m. WHEN ONLY 8 of 12 TEAMS WERE SIGNED UP and the only takes that had been given on the issue were by the aforementioned 4 "majority leaders" of this f-ing league: "Try to be precise in your answers so we can get some resolution on the issues below. DO WE FREEZE OUT NON PLAYOFF PARTICPANTS THAT ARE NOT ACTIVE IN THE TITLE CHASE? This would mean that all players that did not make the playoffs would be locked from acquiring free agents and waiver pickups, as well as teams that have lost within the 6 man playoffs. You would still be able to manage your currrent roster of players. HOW DO WE PAYOUT THE $300 THAT WILL BE COLLECTED? I think we are all in favor of the amount, which is $25. Any amount going to the consolation bracket seems to have been squashed at this point. Mike may be the lone supporter of this and maybe Al. So with the majority in favor of all money going to the winners bracket, please make suggestions on regular season/playoff payouts." So maybe next time when you want to make a colossal shift in how the league is going to be handled going forward, don't just have a huddle with you, Al, Juice and Oster and start dreaming up ways to change the league, and you won't see a post like mine on 2/17/10 (and recall that I first said there should be no vote until everyone is in the league and knows the issues, but you knuckleheads when ahead anyway, so I called bullshit). And now I'm a "prick" for not agreeing with your little rat pack - blow me. Feel free to email me your phone number if you want to talk about this crap in person and stop running your smack on the message board - perhaps then we could have a somewhat reasonable conversation about the issue, but I suspect I won't get that email. s/ The Whiner P.S. - And, on PRINCIPAL, I will not leave the league until you f-ing remove me, Mr. Commish, sir! Yes, what you have is a standoff.

AGAIN. HE IS BITCHING ABOUT A LEAGUE THAT COSTS $25 FUCKING DOLLARS. And there have been approximately 754,000 words written about it.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Gold Medal Juice

A few thoughts on the Olympics so far...

-My vote for the most entertaining winter Olympic sport has to be short track speed skating. It is fucking riveting. At any second, someone can randomly wipe out, taking a bunch of other dudes with him. And watching Apollo Ohno race is fascinating. It seems like he isn't even trying, and then will just pass everyone from the back when he feels like it.

-The women's downhill was awesome too. And it was awesome because three chicks fell in the most horrendous way possible. I am no doctor, but I'm not exactly sure how they didn't die. One of the women fell, was sliding face first at what looked like 50 mph, then hit a bump and went flying in the air about 20 feet, and smashed her head on the hill when she came down, before sliding lifelessly another 500 or so feet. It was unreal. For all the concern about concussions when football players bounce their head off the turf, I bet there are a shitload of downhill skiers that have a hard time dressing themselves when they are 30. I'm too lazy to find the crashes (and I'm sure NBC won't let anyone post them anyplace) but they are riveting and you should check them out.

In the end, Lindsey Vonn won. And she was fucking annoying as shit about it. They had her miked up or something afterwards and you could hear her making some awful noise that I can best describe as moaning, for like 10 minutes afterwards. I imagine it is the same noise you would make if you watched your dog get run over by an 18 wheeler. That, and she has a really, really annoying voice. And her husband (I think) and her were having some kind of intimate moment with the mic between them, and it was 1) awkward and 2) sort of fake and creepy. I hope I never converse with my wife that way. She has every right to be happy and emotional, I would just prefer to watch it on mute from now on.

-Shaun White is unfuckingbelievable. It is too bad there aren't like 10 different half pipe snowboarding events, because he would win 10 gold medals. The event was like watching Michael Jordan play basketball against high schoolers. I don't understand the tricks or snowboarding stuff at all, but it was so blatantly obvious that he was better than everyone else it was insane. And he is both entertaining and seems like a genuinely cool guy.

-Finally, America will never be truly equal until it is no longer bizarre or unusual to see a black speed skater, figure skater or swimmer. Or a white basketball player. Shani Davis is good.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The La Crosse Theory

Thanks to Richard for the heads up on this. I really, really, don't have time to do this right now, but I am passionate enough about the cause that I'm going to help Richard out and regurgitate my theory, which I've probably already done somewhere.

A dude named Craig Meyers was found in the Mississippi River in La Crosse earlier this week. Craig was a 21 year old college student, appeared to be in decent enough shape, and had been out drinking in La Crosse. This makes the NINTH male in his early to mid-20's that allegedly got drunk and drown in the Mississippi River in La Crosse since 1997.

A little history may be in order here. I am a 2003 graduate of UW-La Crosse, as is Sports Bottle. Richard (frequent commenter, avid swimmer) is a 2004 graduate. From 1999 to 2003 (and often enough in 2004) we probably got drunk a minimum of three times a week, and often 4 or 5 times. I am going to say that the majority of those times we ended up in the main bar district area of La Crosse. I should also explain that when I say we got drunk, I don't mean that we got a little tipsy and crawled in a car with a DD or called a cab. I mean, we got annihilated and stumbled the half mile or so home in the middle of the night. People not from Wisconsin cannot comprehend how drunk we are capable of getting. Trust me, I lived in Nebraska for three years, those people have no clue what it means to be Wisconsin drunk. I'm not bragging, I'm just stating fact so that you can understand my theory here. Between Wednesday and Saturday nights in La Crosse (not unlike most college towns in Wisconsin) there are many, many drunk people milling around. Both men and women. In fact, my wife falls in nearly the same category as I do as far as getting super drunk in La Crosse and stumbling around town. So trust me when I tell you that there are not only guys blacked out and walking around. Some might say it is an epidemic, I call it fun, but that isn't the point.

If you aren't familiar with the layout of La Crosse, the campus of UW-La Crosse, and all of the living area where a college age student would be, starts about 24th street or so (24 blocks from the river). The bars/hotels are mostly on 3rd street (3 blocks from the river) and there are a few hotels on 2nd street (but there aren't really any bars closer than 3 blocks from the river). In order to get to the actual water of the river itself, you would have to walk through a park and down a fairly long/jagged pile of large rocks, or jump off of a bridge. There aren't any flat spots anywhere near the river for someone to decide to go swimming, and there aren't any spots that I know of other than a bridge, where you could jump straight down into the river.

So now that you have that general frame of reference, here is the theory. The only explanation that makes any sense is a female serial killer. Follow me here. I estimate that I've been super duper drunk approximately 450 times in La Crosse (12 times a month, 10 months, 4 years) which may even be conservative. I have never even ONCE wandered the wrong direction towards the river. And if you did, you would immediately notice that there are a) no lights in that direction and b) a large body of water in front of you. But even if you think: "Hey asshole, what if these guys can't hand their booze as well as you and are so blacked out that they aren't sure where they are, or are unfamiliar?" First, I would submit that it is pretty rare for someone in their 20's to get that drunk all by themselves. Usually at least ONE person would be with them. And my understanding is that all of the victims here were familiar with the area. I also find it a little too convenient that the victims were all 1) male; 2) early to mid 20's; 3) in fairly decent shape. I think the thing that makes the least sense is that all of the victims are male. There is no lack of females drunk and at the bars in La Crosse. There is no way that if this was all about drinking that there wouldn't be at least ONE female victim. So my theory is that there is a female serial killer (whether part of a larger group or not, I dunno) that is meeting these guys at the bar and luring them away from the group and somehow drugging them with something untraceable, and pushing them into the river. The victims never have injuries, never have any drugs in their systems, never are anything but drunk. Maybe one of these people actually wandered into the river. Maybe one killed themselves by jumping off of a bridge. But NINE???? No fucking way. Finally, consider the layouts of other campuses/bar areas in the state for a moment:

Green Bay: bar district one block from the Fox River, on BOTH sides of the river
Eau Claire: giant fucking river/narrow walking bridge that is heavily traveled over said river
Milwaukee: Water Street anyone? Many, many other bars on bodies of water.
Appleton: Bars about three blocks from the River, college campus right on it.
Oshkosh: drunk people and water all over town
Madison: two fucking lakes basically right on campus
River Falls: I presume there is a river somewhere
Menominee: River

Number of drunk/drowning deaths that I'm aware of: ZERO. I'm not 100% positive on most of the places, but I'm positive on Green Bay and Appleton. This just doesn't happen anywhere else. People that blame drinking problems in La Crosse for these deaths can't explain this factor to me.

I'm really, truly not trying to make light of this. I'm dead serious. I feel terrible for the families of these guys, and I'm just trying to make sense of this while the media and police treat the victims like irresponsible, drunken assholes.

There are just too many coincidences here for me. Now, I should probably get going before I get fired.

Thoughts from other UW attendees? Wisconsin bar patrons?

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Bleedin' Out

Well sports fans, I made my annual trip to the hospital and ICU this past weekend. Thank God it was a short stay. I hade a terrible headache all of last week and my heart was pounding excessively hard at the easiest of tasks (walking up stairs, getting out of bed, etc.). Turns out I had a massively large ulcer that was bleeding all week and I was a few quarts low. I happened to play racquetball and work out the night before. No wonder it seemed like i was going to pass out. Good times. The prognosis should be good with a change of meds and diet...I think.

So, if you are keeping score, Juice has some sort of freakish nervous disorder, I have excessive stomach bleeding and Sports Bottle has vaginitis.

Oh and by the way, my life is mostly over, because:
a) I probably shouldn't drink anymore
b) the wife and I are expecting (all jokes aside, I'm actually excited because I don't hate children like Juice)

Drunken weekend trips to Vegas are definitely a thing of the past.

So, I will see some of you for a sober weekend at Target Field. At least I can be a DD.

And by the way, Gomez sucks ass and is a TERRIBLE fielder. Speed aside, there will be at least 4 times this season when he will misplay a ball and give up an inside the park homerun.

Signed,

The Bleeder

2/16 Morning Juice

-Interesting-ish week in sports. We've got three USA hockey games (Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday), two Badger basketball games (Thursday at Minnesota, Sunday at home v. Northwestern) and I'm sure Creighton probably plays (they are frustrating as shit and I feel I'm becoming bandwagon because I haven't followed all that close, and they are easy to ignore when they are average, P.S. they play nationally popular Northern Iowa tonight). Also, pitchers and catchers on Saturday.

-If the US manages to be in medal round contention by Sunday (not a guarantee, because it is my understanding that they are extremely young), I think it will be probably the second most excited I've ever been for a hockey game. They play Canada who is 1) the favorites; 2) the host and 3) our geographic "rivals". The most excited ever was when the Badgers were in the National Championship game a few years back, which marked the only Badger hockey game I've ever seen sober. There is going to be all sorts of hype around the game and I bet the crowd will be ridiculous. I'm hoping to catch the two weekday games on the DVR.

-Figure skating is awful.

-I'm actually excited for the Brewers to play a spring training game. I'm obviously retarded.

I like what they did in the offseason. They addressed some holes (Looper, Suppan?). Although Wolf and Davis aren't stellar by any means, I can't believe they will be worse, and even average would be an improvement. If Gallardo can a) stay healthy and b) stop throwing 130 pitches through 5 innings, Parra taps into his potential by even getting to average, and somehow Suppan dies and Bush/Narveson/mystery pitcher number 5 can pitch into the 5th without giving up 5 homers on even a semi-regular basis, we should win 5 more games based on pitching alone.

Hitting wise, it is hard to imagine the new 93 year old catcher being worse than Kendall, although I'm sure we will lose a few HBP. We will make up the HBP with a full season (hopefully) from Weeks. Weeks was awesome last year before going down, but it felt a bit like a fluke since I hated him prior to last season. Only a full season from Weeks (which seems unlikely) at his early last season performance would be a true improvement at 2B. Is Escobar better than Hardy? I would say defensively it is probably a wash. Speed is a definite improvement. Hitting? Potentially. Hardy was extremely streaky, and could carry a team for a few weeks by himself. But he was also terrible at times. I would settle for mediocre if he steals a bunch of bases (if Macha lets him). 3B is going to be about the same as last year. I doubt McGehee is going to replicate last season, but Gamel should be improved just based on hype. Bruan is great in LF, Fielder is great at 1B. Hart is slightly below average in RF, but possibly Gerut (who got alot better late last year) and Edmonds (assuming he can man an outfield with a walker) could give some much needed competition. The real key I think is going to be Gomez. Is he any good? I know he's fast, and good on D. But is the speed going to make up for the 25HRs that we would've gotten from Cameron? This feels like my big concern for the offense.

In the bully, we probably got a little better with the addition of Hawkins. Lets just pray (to SportsBottle's god) that Hoffman stays healthy.

Wow. This turned into a whole Brewer season preview accidentally. I'm seeing 80 to 85 wins, and being in a wild card conversation late. The playoffs feel possible if Gallardo turns into an All-Star (not out of the question), Braun and Fielder stay healthy, and Parra/Escobar/Gomez live up to expectations. Which is coincidentally, why baseball still sucks. Because teams like Milwaukee need everything to go right, while the Yanks and Sox can afford for almost nothing to go right, and still get to the postseason.

-I'm hoping to make a few trips to Miller Park (anyone interested?), a trip to the new Target Field for Brewers/Twins/blackout drunk in May, and a trip to Petco in San Diego for a random Padres game in May or June this season.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Afternoon Bottle

I need to get this out of the way right away, and I hate myself for it. I was in Miami Super Bowl weekend and I had a couple hours of free time on my hands. I happen to come across a "Jersey Shore" marathon on MTV and I also happen to catch the very first episode. The hook was set right away. I couldn't stop watching. My girlfriend rolls into the room and although she continuously rips on the show, she can't stop watching either. So, Juice, I apologize for ripping on you for watching that show. At first, none of the chicks are hot. After about 2 episodes two of them are getting really hot.

Juice, get your rips in now about my Tar Heels, because your enjoyment won't last long. Besides, this is what happens when you win a national title, which they did last year by the way. They lost 4 guys to the NBA, what would you expect? And now their best player is out for the year. Oh well.

Anyways, I did my best to end my sports gambling addiction, but to no avail. I left for Miami on February 6th. Just before I left I put the rest of my money on the line with some Super Bowl picks and a $25 NHL parlay. I won the bets and had $173 in my account when I got back. So the fun continues.

The reason for the Miami trip was because of a cruise we embarked on the day of the Super Bowl. All around a good time but I would much rather do the all-inclusive resort. I doubt I'll ever go on another cruise.

The trip could not have started off worse. Our flight out was at 5:45am. Our ride to the airport was picking us up at my place at 3:45am (I live about 20 minutes from the airport). At around 3 both my girlfriend and I were ready to leave so I tell her to give our ride (her brother) a call and tell him to pick us up now. She asks, "would you rather wait in your living room or wait at the airport?" I reply, "at the airport." She doesn't call him. To make a long story short, as we wait to board the lady at the counter announces the flight is overbooked and they need two people to give up their seats. Whoever volunteers will get compensation. If no one volunteers they will be forcing two people off the plane. No one volunteers. (You can see where this is heading). Anyways, we board the plane and take our seats. We're in one of the last rows and we see the ticket counter lady board the plane. She gives one more announcement. No one volunteers. She then begins walking towards the back of the plane. My girlfriend gets nervous. I'm thinking "no fucking way." She walks past our row (yes!), stops (oh crap), turns back towards us (motherfuck) and promptly boots us off the plane (fuck fuck FUCK). I felt like yelling "bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb b-bomb" like Stiller in Meet the Parents. That is a fucking walk of shame if I've ever seen one. I was beyond fucking irate. It all boiled down to us being the last people at the airport to check in. So, in hindsight, maybe we shouldn't have waited in my living room instead of the airport, but who's keeping track, right?

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Saturday Morning Live

I'm coming to you live from an office. An office deep inside a mountain-side bunker, somewhere in Northeast Wisconsin. Which, is fucking bullshit. At least I'm wearing a hat. For some reason, it only seems like I'm half working if I have jeans and a hat on. The goal is to get home by 1 for the UW-Indiana tip. It is a game that Bucky should win, at least on paper.

I want welcome those (maybe I should use the singular, "that guy") people here for the first time from the link on the JS Online "Fan Cave". You have to have been a follower or SportsBubble or some kind of nuclear physicist to actually get to the page to find our link, but it is a good page. Anyways, I hope you enjoy me writing, which I typically do much more when I'm not working on Saturdays. (And enjoy silence from the other four writers.) Oh, and O.J. was found not guilty by a jury of his peers.

I just realized that I'm pretty pumped for Olympic hockey. Olympic hockey is fantastic. I see the U.S. plays Tuesday afternoon, which means I can either try to DVR it, or I can watch it online and not work. Hmmmmm. (Can this be gambled on SportsBottle?)

I've seen the video of the luge guy over at Deadspin. It was gross. I probably shouldn't have clicked play. I'm not all worked up over the fact that they posted the video like some are, but I don't really want it up here due to the morbidity. If you don't want to watch it, don't. And shut up about the fact that the video is available to watch if you are so inclined. I hate people like that. (Can another luge death be gambled on SportsBottle?)

I READ A BOOK

After two months of blood, sweat and tears (maybe some other bodily fluids) I finally finished "The Book of Basketball" by Bill Simmons. If you like history/basketball/or the Sports Guy, I recommend it. Oh, and it helps if you can read and hold heavy objects simultaneously (700 pages!!!). If you can't do one of those things, the book probably isn't for you.

Next up on my reading list is Chuck Klosterman "Eating the Dinosaur", which is approximately 1,110 pages shorter.

IN VIDS NEWS

I think I've mastered College Hoops 2k8 to the point that it is getting boring. I'm on a 71 game winning streak with Creighton. I'm gunning for the record of 88 by UCLA. Probably time to get a new game. And yes, I play video games, and my wife lets me.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Two and Seven

You can say what you want about Creighton being a gigantic disappointment this year. And certainly, (8-6, 13-12) qualifies when you are heavy favorites for an at-large bid. So if you are going to cast stones at a seemingly random favorite team (but I'm an alum, so I'm allowed a second favorite to go along with Bucky), you are entitled I guess.

But holy fucking shit does UNC suck this year. I was SHOCKED when I saw the record. Just thought I would point that out. The ACC isn't even that great this year, so its not like you can point to the record and bitch about how hard the schedule is. They don't play in the Big East. UNC should never not be in the top 10.

There is no point at all to this post other than for some reason I felt the need to randomly point out that your favorite team is shitty, yet they will somehow finish 7-9 in the ACC and 20-14 overall, get to the ACC final, and get a bid, because that is what happens when you are UNC, and this is what happens when I talk shit.

I bet everyone can guess who "you" is.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Morning Juice

It is that magical time again, where I try to make up a name for a series of random posts, and will use it for a week and then never use it again!

TODAY IN SMALL DASHES

-The Super Bowl was good, not great. Largest. Television. Audience. EVER? It is pretty fucking amazing that the record stood for 27 years (and M.A.S.H was not a good show). Why would this particular Super Bowl be first? Sort of confused. The commercials were subpar. I'm not really a huge fan of someone telling me that my mistress cannot have her fetus ripped from her womb, but that Tebow commercial was not a fucking big deal at all.

-Quick Movie Review: "The Happening" starring Mark Wahlberg and a bunch of random assholes. Premise was interesting (plants decide to kill humans by creating a neurotoxin that makes people kill themselves), but very poorly executed and kind of unrealistic (that oak tree is going to make me run myself over with a lawn mower?). The death scenes were pretty epic. Besides the lawn mower, there was the cop who shoots himself in the head, followed by people standing in line one after another picking up the gun and shooting themselves. I like most Wahlberg movies, but this one lacked a certain, I dunno, point. I guess there was no fucking point, and there was no explanation or rhyme or reason for the plants attacking. I give it a 2.5 out of 10 and would recommend it to nobody. It was truly terrible. Not the worst movie I've seen in the last six months. That would go to "The Express". The acting was so bad I had to shut it off. I'm not kidding.

-The Olympics are starting up this weekend. I'm sort of excited only because it will give me something to do while working 20 hours a day (exaggeration). I can keep track of luge results. The only shitty thing is that it is in the same basic time zone, so I'm not going to have Belarus v. Czech Republic hockey on at 8 a.m. to pretend to keep track of.

-Pitchers and catchers in like 10 days. Pumped to watch spring training scores update every 30 minutes at MLB.com while at work. I might decide an extended preview is in order.

-I placed a friendly wager on #9UW v. Illinois tonight. A six pack of beer on this one and the one in Campaign with this dude I work with that went to Illinois. I'm going to make him buy me two six packs of Stella Artois Nobilis. If I lose he's getting Natty Ice.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Super Bowl Party!! (In My Pants?) (AKA: The Danica Patrick Comment Hour)

I'm not doing anything special for the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is really one of those occasions (and let's be serious here, it should be a national holiday) where I actually like getting together with people that know nothing about football and talk through the entire game while I eat and drink 17,500 calories. I'm not sure why I don't care. I can't honestly remember the last time that I devoured a Super Bowl game play by play. I always watch, and pay attention, but when you are distracted by food and other people, you aren't really watching. Normally if nobody invites us anywhere, we have something ourselves. But I honestly don't feel like it, and the wife (who usually has the idea) didn't bring it up. So I will just eat 17,500 calories myself I guess.

OTHER SUPER BOWL ODDITIES:

-I don't hate the commercials. It is always kind of fun to see someone blow $40million on a random 30 second spot that I won't remember the next day.

-Lets be honest here. Danica Patrick is pretty attractive. I saw a clip of a GoDaddy commercial that is an 80's spoof. She looks pretty alright.

-NFL Network is starting its pregame at 8 a.m. This year I just haven't had any time to watch more than like 10 minutes of SportsCenter a morning, and no NFL Network. I kind of miss watching it. That being said, I'm pretty certain I will find something better to do for 9 hours.

-The Who is old as shit. But they are a band where most people couldn't name 3 songs they sang, but when you hear it you say "The Who sings that?". They are pretty fucking good. But I bet they will suck balls Sunday.

-FAKE BETTING: Colts (-4.5), Under 56.5, Over 2.5 times showing Kim Kardashian, Over 300.5 passing yards for Manning, Under 3 times showing Eli, Over 4 times showing Archie

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

I Would Do the Avatar Chick

Before I begin let me ask Juice, and all those who comment, to please advise ahead of time if you are spoiling what's happening on "Lost." I, too, am a big fan of the show but am about a season behind and watch the show thanks to NetFlix. I skipped your whole first paragraph.

Just got back from watching "Avatar." Pretty good movie, not great. But watching it in 3D is fucking mint. I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it but think "Dances With Wolves" meets "Titanic" about 200 years from now. There are no surprises in this movie and I can't quite figure out how the critics used at Yahoo! gave this movie an "A". But, I will say this, I don't normally give a shit if I first see a movie in the theaters or at home (see "Dark Knight") but the 3D experience makes it worth the small fortune it costs to see it. (Note - the g/f thought it was great but admittedly is the type of person who gets convinced to buy something due to their commercials).

The sports betting is still ongoing but I'm running out of steam. I have about $150 remaining but I pretty much bet and don't know if I win or not until the next day.

Speaking of betting, I will be going back to Vegas again this year, probably around the time we were there a few months ago. So, ladies, start saving and get permission from your wives again. I also thought of a brilliant plan for 24 hour sports betting. I am a huge tennis fan, thus I am a huge Australian Open fan. Melbourne is about 17 hours ahead of our time in the US which means matches are ongoing when everyone is sleeping. Someday I will be in Vegas for this event and will be betting on tennis matches. When those are over the horse races will be close to starting. Perfect.

My Brain Has Been Violated

I watched the two hour "Lost" premier last night. "Lost" is probably my favorite show, or at least it is in the conversation. It is like watching a movie every week. It is generally amazing. But I am just completely lost on Lost. I just have no idea what the fuck is going on, or what is supposed to be going on, or what is going to happen next. It is just a lot of work to watch the show, even though the two hours went by in what felt like 15 minutes. Has my brain been turned to mush? Shouldn't I appreciate a show that isn't made for total idiots? (See 98% of America?). I guess I'm just frustrated because I know this is the last season and I'm supposed to be getting "answers" to the "questions". I'm just not sure I know what the questions are, or how the answers could possibly satisfy me. The whole two hours last night just seemed like one random occurrence after another, all of which made me say "What the fuck?". I'm not going to give anything away because some may have chosen to DVR, but in one episode we have dealt with: time travel, possible alternate realities, talking to dead people, seeing dead people, Christ figures, raising the dead and transferring of souls. I have this uneasy feeling that we are on a runaway train that is going to come to an abrupt, unsatisfying stop. I don't see any way that the finale isn't going to leave me disappointed. My brain was raped last night. I'm sure my brother has some fascinating theories because he is alot smarter about these kinds of things than I am.

I missed out on one of the best Badger performances ever, the ass kicking of Michigan St. This was mostly due to my decision that the "Lost" premier was slightly more important in the grand scheme of things. That, and by the time I caught up to lost in real time, our fucking DVR was also recording "Teen Mom" (seriously). I followed the score on my BlackBerry, but I missed out. Impressive win though. When Leuer comes back, I would not want to play Bucky.

ONE OTHER RANDOM THOUGHT

I've heard that the NCAA is more than seriously considering expanding the basketball tourney to 96 teams, and spreading out coverage to cable as well. I'm really not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, if it ain't broke don't fix it. I think it is perfect right now. On the other hand, you can't ever have too much of a good thing. I fear it will turn getting to the "Big Dance" into making a "Bowl Game". Unless you really suck balls, you would get in. I guess it would allow more teams to win, but unless they place some kind of rules on qualification (nobody under .500 in conference unless you are a conference champion) then what is the point? Is it just an excuse to make sure that a shitty UNC team can go 7-9 in a pretty tough ACC and get in? Or is it to not fuck over deserving mid-majors that win 25 games and get left out? I'm leaning towards staying the course (except for changing the play-in game to be for a 12 seed between the last two in) until I see some other details. Also, how strange would the tourney on TNT be???

Monday, February 1, 2010

Mel Gibson, Pro Bowl, Grammys, Madden '10

The weekend that didn't involve getting blacked out in La Crosse (please provide me with details), but that did involve copious amounts of time sitting around by myself when I could have been drinking, separated by paragraphs.

MOVIE REVIEW

Saw "The Edge of Darkness" starring 90-year old, alcoholic, anti-Semite, Mel Gibson. It was pretty awesome. In 2010, I've decided to go with a 10 point system to rank the 4 movies I'm going to see. I would give it a 7.5 out of 10, which is solid but not spectacular.

MADDEN '10

I had a lot of spare time on my hands so I decided to see if I could simulate to the end of Franchise mode on Madden. I didn't get anywhere close (I'm not actually sure where it ends). I'm not sure what the point of this is other than I needed an excuse to say that after I shitcanned Mike McCarthy after 15 seasons, 11 playoff appearances, and one Super Bowl title, the next three coaches were: Walter Jones (6 seasons, 1 playoff), Asante Samuel (3 seasons, 0 playoffs) and Brandon Jacobs (in first season). I always think it is funny to see which former players get put in the coaching ranks.

PRO BOWL/GRAMMYS

Not sure which was more lacking. The lack of interest of the Pro Bowlers in "blocking" and "tackling" or the lack of giving a shit about not swearing by Drake, Eminem and Lil' Wayne during their performance.

I like swearing and flipping a middle finger to CBS/FCC as much as the next guy, but when you do a 4 minute performance and 2 minutes 30 seconds is sporadic silence due to editing, it gets a little annoying.

I personally have no problem with the Pro Bowlers not giving a shit. I want to personally thank Mario Williams for not killing A-Rodg when he went unblocked into the backfield. I want to say fuck you to Vincent Jackson for blindsiding Clay Matthews and nearly killing him on a block.

Also, nobody told me I was going to need 3D glasses for the Michael Jackson tribute at the Grammys. So I got blurry Carrie Underwood instead of 3D Carrie Underwood. Not cool.

Please return to not having your time wasted.